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My name is Darina and I would like to talk to you about Trauma Bonding. You might have not heard about it? Trauma Bonding occurs as a result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement or reward and punishment creates a powerful emotional bond. Often victims mistake this for feelings of love and it then becomes a struggle to break free.

To help you understand, I would like to share a story of Jane and Toni (names changed for safety reasons).

Jane had met Toni after a tricky break up in the hopes that she would have a new start. At first Toni seemed like the nice guy, the one she could have a family with and be happy. Toni did come with a package however – he had a crazy ex. Toni would often say to Jane how crazy and psychotic his ex was and how much it had affected him.

Jane felt bad for him and made it her burden to help him. She began to excuse all his behaviours – things like drug use, his emotional outbursts, difficult relationships with his family and many other things. On a number of occasions Toni cheated on Jane, but he told her that is was not his fault, as she did not do what he wanted her to do, so he needed to go elsewhere.

Every time she tried to get him help he turned on her, accusing her of putting pressure on him, being too bossy, not being enough for him, not understanding him and so on. But then came the days when he would be nice to her begging her to help him, telling her she was the only one for him, she was the only one who could help him. So, she stayed and tried harder and so the circle of abuse continued and the trauma bond becoming strong with each full turn…

Fast forward 18 months later to when their daughter was five months old and he threatened to kill her. Jane knew she needed to protect her daughter from him so she left. She contacted Next Chapter and began to receive support from myself.

During our first meeting Jane told what has been happening and how she felt about all of this. Jane struggled to understand what had been going on and often would ask if she was the perpetrator, as that was how her abuser had made her feel for leaving him and taking their daughter with her.

Jane poured her heart out to me and the incidents she described to me clearly showed emotional and psychological abuse, coercive control and elements of sexual and physical abuse. Jane could not bring herself to accept that she was a victim, so we did not put labels on anything.

Jane struggled to understand why it happened to her, what was wrong with her and how to break the emotional ties to her abuser. Sharing a child with Toni made it even more difficult as he would often accuse her of preventing him from being a father as a further way to manipulate her and play on her emotions. Jane has found herself torn between being told not to go back for her safety and the safety of her child and feelings of love and the believe that she needs to help Toni.

Jane worked so hard trying to understand what was happening to her and why she felt the way she did. We spoke about what a trauma bond is and the types of emotional and psychological abuse as well as how to help herself break free.

18 months of abuse had stripped Jane of any confidence, self-esteem and the ability to control her emotions. Jane would often tell me that she could not believe what was happening, that she felt angry or tired, which is some of the stages victims of domestic abuse need to go through to be able to move forward.

The first step to recovery (after she recognised that she was a victim) was to go ‘cold turkey’. Yes, I use this expression as often trauma bond can feel like an addiction. Jane had moved to a new house, changed her number and blocked Toni. At first she struggled and had a bit of a  ‘relapse’ when she allowed him to come to her home and had contact with him, but as soon as he became abusive something clicked for Jane and she made the final decision to leave and not look back.

She started again. No contact with Toni at all. Deleted his pictures and removed all the items from her home that reminded her of him. As she was no longer looking for what he was doing Jane had found herself with some spare hours that she could dedicate to herself.

She started to take better care of herself, she read lots of inspirational books and is working hard to push herself forward and be herself again.

I want to leave you with this final message

Breaking a trauma bond is not easy, it requires dedication and support. We are here to support and help you, to listen to you and not to judge. You can do this!

Ever been ‘loved up’ …… it’s a nice feeling hey. You have met someone new and everything seems so amazing. He is treating you well and buying you nice gifts, everything seems lovely and maybe, just maybe you have finally found your ‘Mr Right’.

You have fallen in love and you want to do everything you can to make this happen! You want to work towards a life with this person, the love feels strong and deep and he really seems ‘to get you’ like no one else ever has before.

He wants you to spend time with him, as much as you can. You start to worry that you have seen less and less of your friends and family than you would normally and when you try to make plans with them Mr Right is putting blockers in the way, its ok though it’s because ‘he wants you all to himself’. That’s how much he loves you. That’s what you’re telling yourself anyway.

Something feels odd but you can’t put your finger on it, surely he just has your best interests at heart, this is a love like no other after all? He just wants to look after you. Things are still strange though and you are beginning to feel confused a lot of the time. Anxiety has set in and you are not even sure why?

Those amazing meals that you once prepared are now starting to be picked apart, the dress that you have always worn is now too short or slutty, those texts from your friends are now being questioned and no matter what you do it isn’t quite enough for him.

Things can change in any relationship and it’s good to remember that, it’s also wise to expect some sticky times along the road but you must never lose yourself in the process. If your gut is telling you something feels odd, then listen to it and listen to it carefully.

Maybe this relationship is not quite what you thought it was, last Christmas was truly amazing but this Christmas you are just not sure what is going on.  He is slowly starting to stop you from being who you want to be, maybe your friends and family have pointed out that you are distant or seem unhappy?

This is the time to speak to someone, Next Chapter are here to listen and offer advice, it can be hard to discuss these types of worries to people you are close to and who know your partner.

Below are 8 red flags to look out for when questioning if your relationship is healthy….

• You find yourself justifying their bad behaviour
• They don’t or won’t talk through issues with you
• They are constantly testing your boundaries
• They have a massive sense of entitlement
• As we’ve already mentioned something in your gut feels wrong
• Everything is always about them
• They are overly critical about their ex-partners
• They constantly deny, criticise or dismiss you and your feelings

It can be a very confusing and upsetting time when you have doubts about someone you love, and you can also become comfortable in their funny ways with this becoming ‘your norm’ but it is always good to talk and explore the worry that is inside of you.

We are each entitled to love but it should never come at the cost of yourself. A healthy, loving relationship is about supporting each other and loving each other. If you have found yourself stuck and confused, then please get in touch.

Be authentic this Christmas, living a lie and covering up someone’s bad behaviour is only going to cause you deep emotional harm. Talk to a Domestic Abuse Practitioner today in confidence.

If you want to test your memory, then ask yourself what you were worrying about last year. If it was the exact same issues, then please get in touch, we can help you to unpick what is happening and help you find the right solution for you.

Make 2024 your most authentic year yet!

For my blog I wanted to write about a male victim of domestic abuse that I have supported. It can be easy to think that domestic abuse only affects women, but statistics say that 576,000 men (2.5% men) and 1.2 million (4.8% women) were victims of domestic abuse in 2018/19 (*stat from ManKind). I hope by reading Martin's story it highlights to men that help is out there, here at Next Chapter we will support any victim of domestic abuse - regardless of gender!

(Name changed for safety reasons)

Martin had been with his partner, who had suffered with a twenty-year drug addiction, for twelve years. There was three children in the family, all of which were under Children’s Social Care after concerns had been raised by the school due to non-attendance. He was the sole carer in the household for his partner and the children.

Following a serious incident of domestic abuse toward Martin by his partner, he was advised to seek support from The Next Chapter. When Martin first engaged in our services he made it very clear that he loved his partner and had no intention of leaving her. He said that he wanted support, as he often felt tearful and overwhelmed by the situation. He also felt embarrassed as it was ‘his job as a man’ to take care of his family and keep them safe.

Martin informed me that they have both been struggling for years but were too frightened to seek support because of Social Care becoming involved. Martin’s sister had her children taken away from her due to drug abuse, which is where the fear came from. He had previously served a custodial sentence for drug related offences when he was young and his partner was struggling with an addiction.

Martin said that he will do anything he needs to keep his family together. When he was younger, he was put into foster care with his brothers and sisters - this is why he had such a need to keep his family together.

Martin was on one years’ probation at this time, an Order made by the Court for the children’s lack of school attendance, and was becoming increasingly concerned as contact with his probation officer had been sporadic due to the national lock-down. More stress being added to the situation.

Martin was provided with the contact details of a men’s domestic abuse support organisation. A referral was made so that he could access counselling. Contact was made with the other professionals involved with the family to see what best support could be put into place.

As a result of everyone working together, Martin and his family received the support they so desperately needed. Social Care helped with things like the cost of new school uniforms and clothing for the children. Both Martin and his partner engaged in counselling to help them move forward.

In our last conversation he expressed how overwhelmed they felt by all the support they had received and that he felt like a weight had been lifted. His partner was responding well to her programme, the children were happy and attending school every day and he was busy decorating the house. They were even making plans to marry in the New Year! The best part of his day was in the evening when they all went for a walk together, as a family.

I hope that by reading this blog it helps to understand that men can be victims. Please don't feel ashamed to reach out for support, Martin did and his family are better for the support they have received  

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

(ps. here are some useful links for male domestic abuse helplines)

https://www.mankind.org.uk/

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

As Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week continues, we here at Next Chapter feel it important to spread awareness of sexual abuse that occurs in relationships. Including misconceptions, the significance of power and control, and common responses to trauma.  Let us start with the legal history...

A Brief Legal History of Sexual Abuse in a Relationship

The offence of Rape has been part of UK Law since at least the 18th Century, beginning as Common Law and then working its way in to statutory law in the 1800’s.  However, Marital Rape was considered legal until 1992, only 29 years ago.

Prior to 1992, forced sexual activity within a marriage was legal, as a husband could enforce “matrimonial rights” on his wife without committing an offence. This was based on the belief that a wife had provided their ongoing consent through the contract of marriage.  

The Misconceptions that Follow

The delay in implementing such laws shows how outdated the attitude to marriage and relationships were, and this mindset continues to show itself in relationships today. With many dismissing the abuse and passing their partners behaviour off as normal. With one in four people believing non-consensual sex within marriage does not constitute rape.

Social Media, the news and films also influence misconceptions. A common misconception is that rape happens in a dark alley by a stranger. When in reality, more than 90% of rape victims knew their abuser, with almost a quarter of these being in a relationship.

Another misconception is that sexual abuse involved force – including physical violence resulting in injury. This disregards the significant elements of power, control and coercion. Abusers can use force in other ways, including emotional coercion, manipulation, threats or other intimidating tactics.

Rachel's Story

One woman, Rachel* was in an abusive relationship for five years. She never realised how significant the abuse was until the relationship was over. Rachel was under a cloud of power and coercion and struggled to see through the fog. Here are some of the things Rachel disclosed:

*name changed for confidentiality reasons

"He would never force himself on me but I was scared if I didn’t do what he said, he would hurt me. He would use words like “you don’t want me to rape you do you?”

By him saying “you don’t want me to rape you, do you” it gives the illusion that what he is doing is not rape. But did she consent? No.  Sexual abuse does not need to contain violence or force. He used his power, and manipulated her into doing something she didn’t want to do. This alone constitutes sexual abuse.

"I relied on him for money and he would only agree to give me the money if I had sex with him."

Domestic abuse encompasses many different forms of abuse. In most instances – a victim of DA experiences more than one kind. Here, Rachel experienced both financial and sexual abuse. She felt she owed it to him because he was providing her with money. This is never a justification for abuse.  

"I didn’t fight him off so it’s my fault for letting it happen."

Rachel felt that she was partly responsible for what happened because she didn’t try and fight him off. She said in the news and movies the woman always tries to fight their way out – unaware that in reality, everyone responds to trauma differently.

Rachel explained that she would feel like she is unable to move, waiting for it to be over. I explained that this response is known as FREEZE – where the body goes still and silent and it is an instinctive survival response. See below for other common responses to sexual abuse.  

Rachel soon began to understand what she experienced did in fact constitute sexual abuse. Many women have been in the same position as Rachel – unaware of the abuse until a discussion like this is had. This is why it is so important to raise awareness of sexual abuse, the many forms it can take and why many women subconsciously accept the abuse as normal in their relationship.

Are you a bystander to domestic abuse, helping a family member or friend, you may ask yourself, how can I help? ... I hope you find this helpful.

It can be a worrying time when someone you know or care about is experiencing domestic abuse. Remember your help and support can make a great difference to some who is currently experience domestic abuse.

For me, my top five responses are:

• Believe
• Listen
• Respond
• Help
• Look after yourself

Let's look at that now in some more detail...

Believe

If someone tells you about their experience of being abused, believe them. Don’t ask for proof. Do not judge or criticise them or make them feel the abuse is their fault.

You may feel worried, sick or angry for them. You may feel shocked or surprised. It may be hard for you to believe someone you know so well experiencing abuse.

So, respond calmly. Thank them for trusting you. Let them know you believe them and you know it is not their fault.

Try and understand what a big step this might be for them. Knowing they have someone that believes, someone they trust can be comforting.

Listen

Before you offer any advice or make any practical suggestions, you must make time to listen.

Listening will help you understand the situation. Asking questions and letting them describe the difficulties they are facing may help with them finding their own solutions.

You may feel upset or angry at the things you are hearing, but let them give you as much information as possible, try to take the conversation slowly and at a pace that is comfortable to them. If it becomes to much or they become overwhelmed offer another time to meet, this will help them to know they have your support.

Listening tips

• Ask open questions which cannot be answered by yes or no.
• Don’t interrupt them and let them finish what they are saying.
• Be accepting of silencing, don’t try and fill them in the gaps.
• Reflect back what they have told you about how they are feeling.

Respond

You may have you own ideas what your family member or friend should do next. You may want to take actions to protect them and keep them safe. You may want to tell other friends or family, or even contact the perpetrator who has been carrying out the abuse.

Some family or friends with loved ones in an abusive situation feel that they should leave and this is the only option, but this may not be the right option for now.

• Reasons could include
• No access to money – no entitlement to benefits
• Not wanting to leave due to their children or pets
• Social care may become involved.
• Threats to further abuse
• They may not be ready

Specialist Help

If you have any worries or concerns for a family member or friend, Next Chapter are the specialist organisation for North Essex and are always happy to offer advice, support and guidance.

We are made up of lots of different services

Duty Team – First contact for all referrals

Refuge Accommodation for Families

Recovery Refuge Accommodation

IDVA Services

Community Outreach Support

Housing Domestic Abuse Practitioners

For further details on all our services - www.thenextchapter.org.uk

Looking after you

Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be hard, stressful and worrying. So, it is important you take care of you.

It is sometimes hard to know what is the best thing to do and at times you may feel you can’t do as much as you would like. You may be worried you’re putting yourself and other family members at risk if you become involved. – these feelings are all normal.

Sometimes by just being there listening and offering practical help, you are likely making things a lot better for you family member or friends.

If you feel things are getting to much:

• Make sure you make time for you
• Try to ensure you get time to rest and sleep
• Spend time with family and friends can help stress. Tell people how you are feeling but not sharing private information about the person you are offering support too.
• If things become to much and you don’t think you can carry on supporting your family member or friend, speak to them, see if there is someone else they would feel comfortable sharing their situation with so you are not taking all of the responsibility.

I hope this will help your confidence in supporting a family member or friend if they disclose domestic abuse.

Jenny* referred into Next Chapter asking for support and advise around her ex-partner who was not going to leave their joint tenancy.

(*name changed for safety reasons)

When Jenny referred in she was extremely frustrated and felt very worn down. She had separated from her ex-partner and was looking for support to have him removed from her tenancy. Her ex-partner initially would be kind, accommodating and agreed to move out of the property however he would not take that the relationship was over.

Jenny had told her ex how the relationship was definitely over but he would still keep contacting her. He would start messaging her friends and family if she blocked him and she had removed him off her social media. One evening she had returned home and he had decorated the house with balloons and gifts for her birthday. At first these behaviours could be seen to be somebody who is trying to be affectionate and caring however this is not the case. This worried Jenny as he continued to not listen to the relationship itself being over. Jenny’s ex continued with the gifts despite her telling him that she did not want to be with him. His response was - “Maybe one day I will get the date with you”.

On our calls together, Jenny disclosed to me the depth and extent of the emotional abuse she suffered and his controlling behaviour within the relationship. He would be physically abusive to himself and then say how it was her fault for making him angry.

Jenny’s ex did sort the tenancy however when the tactics of being nice didn’t work he turned and became moody stating it was all her fault and she was a horrible person. He stated “You will marry me and have my child". This worried and frightened Jenny and she kept telling him no.

The harassing messages started again with him stating she did not give him a chance to which Jenny blocked him off her phone and all her social media accounts. He then made a fake Facebook and a new email account and started messaging again. She told him to stop or she would go to the police.

The next day she received an email stating “Go to your car, I can’t cope without you and don’t call the police as I will already be gone”. Jenny was extremely frightened that he had been on her doorstep without her knowing and was on high alert. There was a note stating he “Cannot cope and life is nothing without her and she wouldn’t hear from him again”.

She called the police who tracked him down on a cliff and he was sectioned following the suicide attempt. He then got another girl to message Jenny on his behalf. He continued to email her whilst in hospital. These calls and messages kept continuing with her ex finding new ways to make contact.

He had sent over 300 messages since they split up. Even after the police were involved he continued his attempts and even transferred money into her account and used his own family members to send messages. He would go between being nice and caring and then horrible and angry which is a common tactic used by perpetrator’s in an attempt to regain power and control over their victim.

Jenny and I discussed at length how he is responsible for his actions and she is not at fault or blame for his abuse. The impact on Jenny and her daughter meant it was very difficult for them not to live in high alert. If the security camera notified her she would worry it was him, she would become anxious that he could be parked on the street watching the house. She was very fearful of seeing him again or what he may have been capable of to get to her.

Jenny found strength in reporting and supporting the police investigation. She did not want other woman to go through the same as what she had by this man. She had kept a log of all communications with her ex-partner. This is something we strongly advise as it keeps a record and shows the pattern of behaviour.

With our support Jenny was referred into our IDVA service. Jenny took every step possible to keep herself safe and her daughter safe to. A non-molestation order was put in place with thorough safety planning conducted. She made sure all windows and doors were locked along with many other protective measures.

We advised Jenny to keep a log of all communications because this is useful for evidence. With somebody who has stalking and harassing behaviour, a log is very helpful as it shows the pattern of behaviours. Jenny learnt and built her understanding around abusive behaviour and enjoyed reading books to build her knowledge. Jenny’s journey has been hard and there has been ups and downs throughout but what shines through with Jenny is her continued fight and bravery and her drive to learn and build bright future for her and her daughter.

Jenny’s ex was arrested, bailed, charged and sentenced in court for his harassing and stalking behaviour towards Jenny.

Nearly a year on and Jenny and her daughter are doing extremely well. They are living their lives free from abuse.

We would like to thank Jenny, for her bravery and strength she showed at a very difficult time and wish her and her daughter all the best for the future.