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My role in resettlement is varied and each day is different.  The impact of domestic violence on individuals differ from one person to another. Getting to know clients who are leaving refuge and making a plan with them about moving onto their new life is both exciting and daunting for my clients.

Refuge life is safe and there are other people around who understand the circumstances of life. Moving on is exciting… to start a new life, make the next step towards independence is also daunting. Questions for some include, how do I set up bills?  How do I set up a direct debit?

For others it will be, how do I make new friends? How do I meet people? How do I get from Tesco to my new house? Where do I find local amenities or groups? How do I help my children settle in another new place? How do I apply for new schools or find the nearest pre-school? How do I stay safe?

When clients have left refuge sometimes the excitement of a new home wears off quickly and the reality of being ‘on your own’ sinks in. I am there to support clients through this dip.

In most instances families who leave refuge have nothing to fill a new home. They often have to move on the same day that they find a new home which doesn’t give time to find furniture or white goods. A big part of my role is finding furniture and applying to charitable grants for individuals so that families are not without beds or a sofa for too long.

Setting up a new home is a great relief for my families. Finding that they can re-gain some sense of normality quickly takes a great weight off their shoulders, to know that they are not just left to do it all on their own once leaving refuge is really helpful.

My role as Resettlement Worker is to help provide and make a house a home, referring to other agencies, sourcing groups and activities, helping to sustain their tenancies, applying for grants and providing much needed emotional support which brings a hopeful end to a traumatic journey.  It is a privilege to see the end to this journey for many women and children and the start of new life.

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I would like to talk to you about what could be going on in the mind of a domestic abuse victim. What they are thinking, believing and what they deal with day after day. Domestic abuse victims do not get to have a break, their abuser is with them in person or in their mind from the time they wake up, during the day and even in their dreams. They cannot just get up and leave – it's not that easy!

Please read the following story, complied from the experiences that have been shared with us, to help understand some of the things a domestic abuse victim could be going through.  

Let’s start at the beginning…

The beginning was nice, love in the air, smiles and walks in the park and kind words. I felt like a princess in my favourite fairy tale, swept off my feet by my very own prince charming. He told me how much he loved me, how he wanted to protect me and I fell head over heels with love.

I answered all his texts, calls and done everything he wanted me to because he wanted to protect me. He told me that my friends were not good for me because they would drag me down the wrong path and I believed him. Why shouldn’t I?

I would say to myself that he told me what to wear and how to do my make-up because he loved me. He got angry when I spoke to any other men and accused me of cheating because he was jealous. He would check my phone, my Facebook, emails and told me I was his property – I belonged to him.

Then one day he came home from work, I was making dinner – but it was not what he asked me to do. And then it happened.  Before I knew what was going on my cheek was red, his hand print burning on my skin and my lip swelling.  I started crying asking him why he would do that.  He said he was sorry, he didn’t mean it, he just lost control.  He promised he would make it up to me and that he would never do it again.  We ordered some take out, sat down and watched TV.  The next day he got me flowers.  It was proof that he loved me and he promised never to do it again.

I forgave him, because I loved him.  I never told my friends because they wouldn’t understand.  They don’t know him the way I do.  They don’t understand that he had a bad day and I felt like it was my fault - he did tell me what he wanted for dinner and I didn’t listen.  I convinced myself that it was my fault and all I need to do is exactly as he asks.  That makes him happy and if he is happy I will be happy too.

I spent my days cleaning, washing, cooking and making sure everything was in order.  I made sure I only wore clothes he had approved and wore my make up just the way he liked it.  I tried all I could to make sure everything was right.  But it was never enough.  The slaps, kicks and pulling hair kept coming.  I became an expert in hiding my bruises with make up so work colleagues couldn’t see.  If they don’t see it, they won’t ask me about it.

When I got pregnant he accused me of cheating and said that the baby was not his.  He hit me so hard I fell over and I begged him to stop - trying to protect the life inside me.  My growing belly didn’t stop him and it became more difficult to come up with reasons why I had so many bruises.  My midwife tried talking to me but he was there with me the whole time.  He came with me to every appointment, every scan and never left the room.  When our son was born I knew there and then I had to protect him.

At first the situation calmed down and my fairy tale prince charming returned to me.  I was so happy, as I had my prince charming back and now I had my son.  Everything was going to be okay. But I was so wrong…

I was told by my abuser that I was the worst mother.  Everything I did was wrong and he said he would take my son away from me.  I was not allowed to breastfeed because he decided it was not good for the baby.  I had to lie to medical professionals that it was my choice.  But I knew that if I don’t do as he asked, I would be punished.  He didn’t care where the baby was when he punched me.  He didn’t care that our son was crying in my arms when he slapped me.  He didn’t care that his screaming and shouting was scaring our son, he would tell me it was my fault.

Slowly I started to realised that this would never change.  That my prince charming doesn’t exist, it was just a mask and a trap to lure me in.  I started looking for a way out.  I couldn’t tell my friends and family the truth, they would judge me. They would ask me questions like “why didn’t you leave before?” or “why did you stay?” or “why did you have a baby with him?”.  They would never understand that the hope my prince charming would return was stronger that any rational thinking.  All I wanted was a family, to be happy to make him happy.

I felt trapped, buried deep in abyss with no way out.  I wished that my friends would just understand what I was thinking, to understand that I had no choice but to stay in order to protect me and my son.   I was screaming in my mind at the doctors to ask me if I was okay and to ask my abuser to leave the room so I could talk to them.  But nobody did, nobody was able to read my mind.  They all saw how nice and caring he was when they were around.  He was good at that.  He was able to be the nicest person you have ever met when there were people around us.

They would never believe me if I told them how he truly is. I convinced myself that this is my life now.  But then one day, he came home and I saw the look in his eyes. I knew what was going to happen.  It didn’t matter that everything was done exactly as he asked.  I knew that he would find something.  I was right, I even don’t remember what it was, but as I felt the familiar pain in my face something deep inside me told me to take my son and run.

I waited for him to go into the living room to sit on the sofa and pass out drunk.  I sneaked into my son’s room, picked him up and ran out.  I went to my neighbour house, knocked on their door and burst out crying.

They did not ask me anything, they just took me in, locked the door and phoned the police.  We waited for police to arrive me still holding my son in my arms and I told them everything.

Do you know what happed next? Nobody judged me, nobody said it was my fault they believed me! It was the first time in very long time I cried but not because I was scared - but because I was free...

If you are concerned about anything that you have read about in this story and think that you might be in an abusive or controlling relationship, or think that someone you know is experiencing this and you want to know how to help them, then please do reach out to us and let one of our practitioners talk things through with you to see how we can help.

There are a range of ways you can make contact - either by our online "Get Help" form, our online chat, call Compass on 0330 333 7 4440 or call us directly on 01206 500585 option 2 during normal working hours.  We're always here to help.

*Clients name has been changed*

For the first time in a long time, Anne’s Christmas is filled with an environment packed full of love, respect and kindness. Due to Anne’s hard work and dedication to her recovery and her children, even on the days where she didn’t feel like getting out of bed- it will be laughter and magic sitting under their tree this Christmas.

One of the very first phone conversations I had with Anne, she described she felt weighed down and was living in auto-pilot; her voice was very quiet and we had to schedule a call for when her then husband wasn’t home. It was only when Anne started counselling she started to realise that she was experiencing domestic abuse which led her to get in contact with Next Chapter.

Her perpetrator had a porn addiction, this was progressively getting worse and he would want to act this out in the bedroom- Anne was scared of losing him or that he wouldn’t be happy so would agree to these things even though the things he would want to act out were getting more and more rough. Anne was also experiencing emotional abuse, he had manipulated the household to comply with his need to feel in power, Anne was convinced she was unable to cook a fried egg or porridge as it was simply too hard for her to do, only he had the skills to make this.  Anne would feel intimidated, he would throw things close to her face and she felt at times that he would hit her.

The day that it all changed was when her perpetrator was arrested for coercive control and bailed to a different address, this was fantastic for Anne as suddenly she had her freedom.

Anne and myself have been working together through her trauma, in this time I have seen her go from strength to strength. On the tough days we have spoken things through, re-assuring her that she did deserve a life without abuse, she wasn’t overthinking things and she was believed. On the good days we have celebrated her milestones together, cheering and clapping reflecting back on her progress. I remember her telling me once that she made her and her children an egg sandwich, and it was better that her perpetrators ever were, this was a massive step and it was one of the first bits of solid evidence that he’d created a world of lies.

We have had lots of really positive outcomes some being Anne’s housing application is in progress so her and her children can be re-homed somewhere her perpetrator doesn’t know the address. This will allow them as a family unit to feel more secure. Anne is now financially independent, this allows her to be in control and more stable. She is feeling able to go through the court process, she has access to a solicitor and feels confident to answer truthfully.

In terms of her personal milestones: Anne speaks louder and with more confidence, she explained even the way she walks is with her head held high, she has recently completed a qualification and is going onto start her own business. She has worked incredibly hard with her children to ensure their recovery, advocating for their trauma alongside hers. Anne is proud of herself, what she has achieved and is ready for her future, starting with this Christmas, abuse free.

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Christmas is a time to be with your family, "It’s not about the gifts" they say, "It’s about spending time with those you love".

What happens when the one’s who are supposed to love you actually jeopardise your safety? What then? How does that make for a family Christmas?

One gift that we feel is really important this Christmas is the gift of safety, love and support. We all need this, it’s something we all deserve.

Maybe this is a gift that you need too? One that you have put on your list to Santa for many years but for some reason you have never received.

Let me tell you about Sue (names changed for safety reasons!). Sue sought help from Next Chapter long before the Christmas period began. Sue had hit rock bottom and although she had found the courage to leave her marriage, which had been abusive for over 15 years, Sue was lost.

Sue had been brave and with the support of close friends around her she had managed to escape the grips of her abuser, but she was still living in fear. The marital home was still in joint names and Sue never knew when her abuser would ‘pop in for a coffee’ or ‘pop past’ to smash a few household items up. Sue was stuck, she couldn’t call on the Police for support as strictly speaking he was damaging his own items and what could they do about that?  Also, the fact that he wanted to make a cuppa in his own home. Not a problem they said, seek legal advice they said.

Sue was not sure where to turn and struggled to explain her situation to others, she was embarrassed by all that had happened, and this was putting real barriers in front of her. It was suggested to Sue by a friend that she should contact Next Chapter as they understood the dynamics of domestic abuse and may be able to help in some way. Thankfully she did just that!

We were able to support Sue practically to find a solicitor who truly understood her situation and was willing to take on her case. Importantly we also supported Sue emotionally, this was much needed to keep the momentum going. Sue had understandably lost her drive and had felt like giving up.

Over a period of time Sue was getting where she needed to be and with perseverance the house was sold and funds were separated. Sue was finally able to start her Next Chapter. She was now fully free from abuse and the many calls she had had with us along the way had really improved her mindset and outlook for her future. She was empowered now and ready to start again.

Sue’s Domestic Abuse Practitioner was also able to refer her for some counselling towards the end of their work together, a real opportunity to delve deep and aid her recovery from all that she had been through.

This year Sue can change her list to Santa, this year Sue is safe and for the first time in a long time she can enjoy that ‘Family Christmas’ without fear.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!

My name is Lucinda and I am an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA) for Next Chapter. I have been here since September 2020 and have already met so many survivors of domestic abuse and hopefully helped them on their journey to a life free from abuse.

Focusing on sexual abuse, I’d like to speak to you today about a client I have worked with called Chloe* and her perpetrator Joe*. When I first met Chloe, she didn’t consider some of what she experienced to be sexual abuse. She now works closely with CARA (Centre for Action for Rape and Abuse) and myself and has an understanding now what Joe had done to her as unacceptable and illegal.

*name changed for confidentiality

Chloe's Story

I have been working with Chloe for several months now and she was referred into Next Chapter by CARA (Centre for Action for Rape and Abuse). CARA had already been supporting Chloe around the sexual abuse she had experienced in her relationship with Joe.

Chloe explained that she was often pressured into sexual intercourse by her ex-partner Joe. She took medication for a medical condition that would make her tired and drowsy and did not feel like having sex.

Joe would go ahead and do it anyway.

He would say that he is irritable as his sexual needs are not being met and that it is his fault that he has been ‘forced’ to watch pornography as she was not meeting his needs sexually. Chloe would explain to him that her medication and condition would make her feel tired and she did not want to; however, Joe was repetitive and would not stop blaming her for his behaviour until she completed the sexual acts/intercourse that he wanted. Often Chloe would complete these sexual acts for him but felt numb and upset that it was happening. She worried that if she did not provide him with the sexual acts he required, that he would go and have an affair and it would be her fault as she could not meet his needs.  

Chloe’s medication would sometimes make her so drowsy that she would fall asleep in the middle of the day. On occasion she woke up to find Joe having sex with her without her knowledge or consent. Chloe would explain to me that she wanted to kick and scream and tell him to stop however her body would just freeze and she would lay there, staring at a small bump in the wall until Joe had finished and left the room. This is a common response to trauma; the fight or flight response. This is a natural reaction that cannot be controlled.

Just because Chloe didn’t scream or shout no or kick Joe off does not mean she consented for any of this to be happening to her.

I once spoke to a counsellor who explained the Flight or Fight response to me. It is a part of your brain that reacts to emergency situations. She always explained it as coming downstairs and finding a bear in your bathroom. Now this is a literal example however when Chloe woke up to find Joe having intercourse with her that was the ‘bear in her bathroom’. So, this part of the brain tells your body to conserve energy from all your other body parts and focus on this ‘bear’. And whether it decides to fight the bear or freeze or even run that is something that is decided before any conscious thinking takes place. If your brain has decided to freeze or run then it has decided this well before you can think it through. And by freezing does not mean consent is given, an asleep or unconscious person cannot give consent.  

Chloe had recently had a baby and required stitches to her intimate area. This is not uncommon when a baby is born and can take several months to heal fully. When Chloe felt ready to have sex with Joe, she told him that she was a bit apprehensive due to the stitches. Joe began to penetrate Chloe however was too rough and Chloe told him that she was in pain, to which Joe would stop for a few seconds and then continue to be as rough as he was before. When Chloe then told him to stop, Joe did not.    

Due to the stitches, Chloe found many different sexual positions painful or uncomfortable. Joe would tell her that she is not meeting his sexual needs and he may have to look elsewhere and possibly cheat on her; and that would be her fault as she could not provide him with what he wanted. This would really upset Chloe and she tried to find other ways to meet his sexual needs without her being in physical pain. Joe would sometimes find alternatives that were a lot worse than the original idea and convince Chloe that she should just carry out his idea in the first place as the alternative was far worse.

When I first spoke to Chloe she told me that she didn’t think of these behaviours as sexual abuse or rape as she had been in a relationship with Joe. It led us to have a discussion about what makes a healthy sexual relationship...  

What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?

A healthy sexual relationship requires both parties to be aware of each other’s likes and dislikes and respects each other’s boundaries. In a healthy sexual relationship neither person should be pressured or forced into doing anything they do not feel comfortable in doing and consent can be withdrawn at any point and this is respected accordingly. Rape and sexual assaults do happen in relationships and if something isn’t comfortable or not wanted then regardless of relationship status should not happen. In healthy sexual relationships there will be communication in regards to likes and dislikes and these boundaries are respected.

Chloe is still working with me today however she receives support from CARA and has been allocated a counsellor to help her process the trauma she has experienced from her relationship with Joe. She is also about to start a program (virtually) with Next Chapter called Healthy Relationships which will further her knowledge and aid her recovery further.

If you feel that you may have been raped or sexually assaulted, then there is an organisation called CARA (Centre for Action for Rape and Abuse) who can be contacted on 03000 037 777 who can provide counselling and support specifically for sexual offences.

My name is Darina and I would like to talk to you about Trauma Bonding. You might have not heard about it? Trauma Bonding occurs as a result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement or reward and punishment creates a powerful emotional bond. Often victims mistake this for feelings of love and it then becomes a struggle to break free.

To help you understand, I would like to share a story of Jane and Toni (names changed for safety reasons).

Jane had met Toni after a tricky break up in the hopes that she would have a new start. At first Toni seemed like the nice guy, the one she could have a family with and be happy. Toni did come with a package however – he had a crazy ex. Toni would often say to Jane how crazy and psychotic his ex was and how much it had affected him.

Jane felt bad for him and made it her burden to help him. She began to excuse all his behaviours – things like drug use, his emotional outbursts, difficult relationships with his family and many other things. On a number of occasions Toni cheated on Jane, but he told her that is was not his fault, as she did not do what he wanted her to do, so he needed to go elsewhere.

Every time she tried to get him help he turned on her, accusing her of putting pressure on him, being too bossy, not being enough for him, not understanding him and so on. But then came the days when he would be nice to her begging her to help him, telling her she was the only one for him, she was the only one who could help him. So, she stayed and tried harder and so the circle of abuse continued and the trauma bond becoming strong with each full turn…

Fast forward 18 months later to when their daughter was five months old and he threatened to kill her. Jane knew she needed to protect her daughter from him so she left. She contacted Next Chapter and began to receive support from myself.

During our first meeting Jane told what has been happening and how she felt about all of this. Jane struggled to understand what had been going on and often would ask if she was the perpetrator, as that was how her abuser had made her feel for leaving him and taking their daughter with her.

Jane poured her heart out to me and the incidents she described to me clearly showed emotional and psychological abuse, coercive control and elements of sexual and physical abuse. Jane could not bring herself to accept that she was a victim, so we did not put labels on anything.

Jane struggled to understand why it happened to her, what was wrong with her and how to break the emotional ties to her abuser. Sharing a child with Toni made it even more difficult as he would often accuse her of preventing him from being a father as a further way to manipulate her and play on her emotions. Jane has found herself torn between being told not to go back for her safety and the safety of her child and feelings of love and the believe that she needs to help Toni.

Jane worked so hard trying to understand what was happening to her and why she felt the way she did. We spoke about what a trauma bond is and the types of emotional and psychological abuse as well as how to help herself break free.

18 months of abuse had stripped Jane of any confidence, self-esteem and the ability to control her emotions. Jane would often tell me that she could not believe what was happening, that she felt angry or tired, which is some of the stages victims of domestic abuse need to go through to be able to move forward.

The first step to recovery (after she recognised that she was a victim) was to go ‘cold turkey’. Yes, I use this expression as often trauma bond can feel like an addiction. Jane had moved to a new house, changed her number and blocked Toni. At first she struggled and had a bit of a  ‘relapse’ when she allowed him to come to her home and had contact with him, but as soon as he became abusive something clicked for Jane and she made the final decision to leave and not look back.

She started again. No contact with Toni at all. Deleted his pictures and removed all the items from her home that reminded her of him. As she was no longer looking for what he was doing Jane had found herself with some spare hours that she could dedicate to herself.

She started to take better care of herself, she read lots of inspirational books and is working hard to push herself forward and be herself again.

I want to leave you with this final message

Breaking a trauma bond is not easy, it requires dedication and support. We are here to support and help you, to listen to you and not to judge. You can do this!