News, Impact, Stories & Blog

Hello my name is Darina and I am a Domestic Abuse Practitioner. My key role is to support survivors of domestic abuse and help them find the strength and power to within them to build themselves up again and move on.

If I was to ask you to imagine a victim of domestic abuse what would be the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it an image of woman being beaten up, bruised, swollen lips, black eye, broken bones? Yes, many of us will imagine the same or something similar.

But what about the invisible bruises, the ones that nobody can see? Most people would assume that domestic abuse is the physical part, but is it much more than that; It is name calling, shouting, constant putting down, humiliations, swearing, cruel comments and so much more. This will slowly force its way into the victim’s thoughts and the feeling of emptiness, sadness, uselessness will replace the inner beauty and confidence. Those will be broken into thousand of pieces and scattered all over until nothing is left…  so, the question is can you get it back?

I will be honest, YES ABSOLUTELY YOU CAN, it will be not easy, but you can make it even more beautiful than it was before…. And we are going to learn how to protect it, so it can never be taken apart again

So, your confidence is not in pieces, and many of them might even be missing. But don’t worry, as we can work on this. I am sure that at some point in your life you have done a puzzle, right? So think of your confidence as puzzle that we need to build up. The image is you, the most beautiful, strong and confident that you have ever felt, like a beautiful rainbow glowing in vibrant colours.

Like with any puzzle we now start sorting what we have, put the edges together, sort the colours. Imagine that every aspect of your confidence is different colour. We all know that doing puzzles take determination, persistence, trust in yourself that you can do it, and time. You need to know that is not going to be just waving wand, but that makes it more special. This is your edge/frame, and you have all the pieces, so let have a look at the other colours…

Get yourself a little diary, and a pen. Every morning when you wake up the first thing you do is to look in the mirror and find something beautiful in yourself and give yourself a compliment. Do not look with the dark voice in your head that tells you all those nasty things – that voice is not there anymore, it has been silenced by the frame you just build. Look with the eyes that are searching for the missing piece. Everything else is not there… concentrate and you will find it…. it can be anything you … now write it down, and continue your day as you would normally do, reminding yourself of your find.

You need to remember that no two puzzle pieces are the same, so the next day you will look for a different piece (meaning you cannot find the same compliment again) and write it down, by the end of the week you will have number of different compliments that you have written down. Bring your friend/family and share it with them out loud. And you know what, with friends looking for pieces the puzzle will go faster. Ask them to do the same, but do not share what you or them had written until the end of the week.

Soon you will have the whole image completed, but you can keep expanding it as it is yours and yours only….

And now that you have worked so hard to build your picture you will need to take care of it, and protect it, so it can grow…and you need to grow with it because you are worth it.

So when you ready ……

There are so many aspects of relationship that nobody would be able to put it all together. Is just so complex, and unique to everybody. However, there are few themes that can be shared between them all

Are there any ‘rules’ that we can follow? We can make our own rules, draw from your own experience, search in your mind for the little clues and remember …

• You cannot compare your relationship to somebody else, as you are not them and they are not you
• Movie love is not a true love
• Is not just butterflies in your tummy any and rainbows all the time – is working together to find the peace and feeling of home
• There is such a thing as too much attention or too much love. You might be in love and want to spend all the time together but this should not come at cost of your friends and family
• Be yourself do what you enjoy to do, as your partner should join you not restrict you
• Be honest, respect, trust and support. This will be hard at the beginning but sometimes you need to take a leap of faith. So, take small steps, but do not put your guard down
• If you not sure about something ask, seek help – do not hold it inside you
• Observe – how they behave when you alone and how they are when you in public
• Do not share too much of yourself – do not let them know where to strike
• Show them that you are strong, independent and that you don’t need them

Those are the signs you need to be looking for, but remember the masks of perpetrator can be on very firmly and we will only know the truth about him when we are with them alone behind the closed doors….

Good morning to you all, my name is Zara and I am a domestic abuse practitioner for Next Chapter and I support survivors of domestic abuse.  My background comes with experience of working directly with male and female perpetrators of domestic abuse and I wanted to share some insight with you.

If I were to ask you, what does a perpetrator look like?  What or who would you think of?

Before I came into this role I had a view in my head of what I thought a perpetrator would look like.  I had a view on how I thought they would act too.

They didn’t look how I thought they would.  I think that is the strange part of it all.  Within society we think we would or should know what a perpetrator looks like, how they would act and that it would be more obvious for us.

It isn’t.

The scary thing is you could walk down the street and it could be any person, tall, short, muscly, skinny.  Even their job roles… we think a criminal, someone who has convictions… when really, they can be anyone, any job.  I have worked with solicitors, I have worked with people who have had non related convictions.

The reason I am discussing this is because we all have had those thoughts.

He’s charming smart and comes across to others as a nice person, no one will believe me, no one will listen to me, no one will hear me.

We often hear how they can act one way in front of others but behind closed doors they are a different person. Its like they are Jekyll and Hyde. The one side of him that you love and then there is the other side to him. One that no one really knows about other then you. It doesn’t always start with the extreme. They started with the digs, the put downs, the making you feel like your going crazy. The little things that you can’t quite put your finger on but gives you that feeling in your tummy that makes you feel like something is not okay. We don’t always understand that feeling. We don’t always recognise that what is going on is abusive either. Then there comes a time, where we feel like we are drowning. How do we get out of this? What do I do? The worries and the panic. We don’t think it will ever happen to us, that we will be in a domestic abusive relationship. It is more common then you think though. 1 in 4 woman and 1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. You are not alone.

A perpetrator can use violence and abuse to assert power and control over their partner. When they believe their tactic of control is failing they may resort to using violence. Men biologically are more capable of causing physical harm. Not all perpetrators use physical harm every day or often, but rely on the fear of physical harm to keep their partner in check. These perpetrators can change their character in an instant.

A perpetrator comes in many forms. Overall, we name them “the dominator” but there are many different aspects to them.

The Bully uses intimidation and body language to control you. Slamming off doors, pacing, invading your personal space. They may shout, sulk or sneer.

The Headworker uses emotional abuse to control you by telling you’re your stupid, ugly, worthless with constant put downs.

The Jailer isolates his partner. Makes you feel bad for going out with family or friends. They may refuse to care for the children and be against you working to.

The Liar or more so the minimiser. Makes the abuse seem less then what it is. Denies what happened, he has an array of excuses such as loss of temper, self esteem etc and places blame on others.

The Bad Father uses the children to control and abuse. Sending messages via the children “mummy won’t let you see me,” employing a variety of tactics to turn the children against you or use them to manipulate or harass you.

King of the Castle using male privilege to control.  Refuses to do anything, no housework, won’t cook a meal won’t help with children because it is their belief that it is a woman’s role.

Sexual Controller uses sex as a form of control. They make us have sex or sexual acts when we do not want to. This can be rape and even unwanted touching. Touching and sex while you are asleep or even you giving in after pestering. Being told “if you loved me you would”.

Persuader often comes in when the relationship is over or when we try to leave. They have an enormous amount of threats, threats to you or himself, bribes, intimidation or humiliation. They will tell us they can’t cope without us, that they can’t stop crying because how can they live without us. They will use coercion to make you feel sorry for him and take him back.

A perpetrator doesn’t have to be just one of these.  It can be a combination.  Fundamentally you know your partner.  You know them well enough to know what would upset them and cause them harm.  If they continue to upset you, even though they know what will, that is abusive.

Domestic abuse is an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence.

Perpetrators have poor emotional management and adverse behaviour.  Perpetrators often have poor empathy.  Abusive partners tend to be less aware of their internal state and have greater difficulty in identifying their emotions.  They tend to have low tolerance for unpleasant, negative emotions combined with aggression which provides an immediate short-term relief from those negative emotions.  This relief then reinforces the negative behaviour as its a short-term relief from the negative emotion.

The way we act is based upon our beliefs.  All our actions are driven by our beliefs and they effect our behaviour.  A perpetrator’s beliefs are often distorted and contradict each other and this is known as cognitive dissonance.  Belief systems are made up of our global/ society beliefs, our community beliefs, our relationships and our own individual beliefs. Our greatest influence is ourselves.  Us alone have the power to challenge our beliefs.

Something I discuss often with survivors;              

It comes down to a choice.  We reach an age where we are able to make our own decisions regardless of our upbringing and beliefs.  This age usually is in our early 20's where we start to rationalise and challenge our beliefs.

Often, I will hear on perpetrator groups that they experienced abuse as a child (cycle of abuse) or they grew up believing certain things (belief systems) but we reach an age where we can challenge our beliefs and make changes which is called the age of autonomy.  We are responsible for our own behaviour and our own actions.

I hear survivors tell me that he has been through a lot and you’ve tried to help him.  I'm sure you have tried everything you can but they are responsible for their own actions.  I hear that they acted the way they did because of something a survivor said or done.  I’ve had a case where a man told her if she didn’t nag so much he would not have hit her.  Simply NO.  We make choices.  The choice was made to act in the way they did.  Those choices are harder to make when we are not thinking rationally and our emotional arousal is through the roof but they are still choices.  Bad choices.

We hear often that he lost control.  A complete loss of control would be fatal.  At some point in the abuse they choose to stop at a certain point.  Complete loss of control would not enable a point to stop.  They wouldn’t.  So, when he tells you he lost control it’s an excuse.  It's poor emotional management and bad choices have been made.

We hear often that he has mental health.  If it was true mental health then his behaviour would be like it to everyone. Including his work colleagues, boss, family his own mum.

I’m guessing though he doesn’t behave this way to others. Just you, just his partner. It’s a choice.

During lock-down things have become heightened and the living situation for many is a scary place to be at the moment.  It may not feel like you have a choice during lock-down but you do.  If it is safe to do so make contact.  There are different ways to do this.

You are here, reading this blog so please look at the options you have on our website.  You can message us, call, text, if it is not safe to make contact yourself tell somebody, anybody.  I know you fear being believed, you fear being listened to, you fear what might happen or how you are going to do this at all......

We hear you, we are listening, we are here to support you, empower you and give you control back of your life to start the Next Chapter.

For more information you can read the book “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven.

My name is Naomi and I am a domestic abuse Practitioner for Next Chapter.  I feel very privileged to work for this organisation, with an amazing team of strong women who dedicate their careers to supporting victims of domestic abuse.

I think my team would agree that this is a fast-paced environment to work in and no day is ever the same.  We are fortunate that we are able to support many women and men and are constantly learning about behaviours, values and culture.

It is important to mention at this point that Next Chapter supports both women, men and children however, we know that domestic abuse is experienced by women at a higher rate than men.

Some of my clients have come to the UK to seek a better quality of life for themselves.  However, the barriers they face can be incredible.  For many, home is where they face an abusive relationship at the hands of someone close to them. They live in fear from their partners threats of deportation and therefore, losing their children.  They may also experience physical, financial and sexual abuse.

These victims are not always aware that this is domestic abuse and it is illegal in the UK.  Different countries and cultures may have their own values and attitudes toward a woman, family, marriage, sex and divorce.  My role is to provide emotional support to these clients and to make them aware of the legal options available to them to end the abuse.

Societal and cultural factors contribute to perpetuating violent relationships. Below is a diagram that depicts some of the ways in which this is done.

An abusive relationship, shown at the centre of the wheel, exists within the larger environment of society and culture.

The actions of individuals are influenced by the norms, values, language, and other cultural factors that are like the dust in the air that surrounds everyone. These cultural factors are ingrained in us from the day we are born, and can play a role in either ending or perpetuating domestic abuse.

My clients have described the cultural barriers that have prevented them from seeking help such as fear of dishonouring the family, shame and fear of being rejected by their community.  Additionally, they have told us that they are expected to suffer in silence and are usually advised to be patient and pray for their situation to change!  We know that victims may even be blamed for the abuse they are being subjected to and this fear of blame can also prevent women from coming forward and getting the help they need.

As a result of this, we know that domestic abuse is under reported within these communities and, heartbreakingly, for some victims, it is too late to ask for help.  We have seen a number of cases featured in the media of women being murdered by their husbands or other family members.

I wouldn’t want you to think that I am saying that domestic abuse is limited to black and minority cultures – in my experience, domestic abuse in the widest sense, is found in every community and affects all people regardless of age, race, religion, nationality, gender or socioeconomic status.  However, we do know through research and capturing women’s experiences, that black or minoritised women are more likely to have been subjected to many overlapping forms of violence and abuse – rape in marriage, child sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, trafficking - which they often live with for as long as 15 years before seeking help.  We have seen and heard that when they do try and speak out about their violations, they are not heard or forced into silence through a range of strategies at personal, family, community and societal levels, whether this is shame, stigma, denial, or the pressure to be strong and to not reinforce racialised views of their communities.

I have seen the cultural and religious factors that I have just spoken about, used directly by the perpetrator against the victim; using the fear of family and social disapproval, community alienation, and the stigma of being divorced, as weapons to perpetuate domestic abuse.  The combination of these elements in an already challenging situation increases a woman’s hesitance to report the abuse and to leave the relationship that ultimately binds her to the abusive household.

As a domestic abuse practitioner, I am here to support my clients, to enable them to consider all the options available to them and, together, we come up with a plan of support that keeps them safe and protected.  This may include sourcing a refuge space and or obtaining protection orders.  Whatever their decision, we walk beside them every step of the journey to enable them to live a life free of abuse.

Here are some useful websites to explore:

Muslim Women’s Network

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk

Call: 08009995786

Text: 07415206936

Although their reach is primarily Muslim women, the helpline will accept calls from and support women of any faith or no faith. For example, the culturally sensitive nature of the helpline could easily support Asian women of other faiths. Men who are concerned about women and girls should also call the helpline.

Iranian Kurdish Women’s Rights Organisation (IKWRO)

IKWRO provides support services for Middle Eastern, North African and Afghan women and girls who are living in the UK suffering from domestic abuse, forced marriage, female genital mutilation (FGM) and honour-based abuse.

Telephone: 020 7920 6460 Monday to Friday 9:30am to 5:30pm

Out of hours:

Kurdish / Arabic / English: 07846 275246

Farsi / Dari / English: 07846 310157

Latin American Women’s Rights Service

The Latin American Women’s Rights Service provides support services for Latin American women suffering from domestic abuse.

Telephone:

0771 928 1714 Monday to Thursday 10am to 1pm

0759 597 0580 Monday to Friday 10am to 1pm

Email: if calling is not safe, email referrals@lawrs.org.uk with your name, phone number and the best time for them to call you.

https://www.imkaan.org.uk/

https://karmanirvana.org.uk/

https://southallblacksisters.org.uk/

‍

Hi, my name is Jenni, I’m an IDVA at Next Chapter and I’ve taken over the blog for today to introduce you to our team….

First things first… IDVA… I expect that you may not have come across this term before (it’s pronounced just like it’s spelt).  IDVA, or Independent Domestic Violence  Advisor to give it’s full name, is the professional title given to a practitioner who has successfully completed their professional training and is qualified to hold the title.  It should give you confidence as it means that you know the person you are working with is skilled, experienced and above all, qualified, to work effectively within the Criminal Justice System, understanding how the Police, Social Care and the different court systems work, so that they are able to best support those of you that are at high risk of harm.

But why do IDVA need the “independent” part in our title I hear you ask?

Well, for me, the “independent” part is really important because it means that we work alongside other professionals to make sure that what is best for you and your family is always at the centre of our discussions.

We are non-statutory which means we can be your voice we understand domestic abuse, we do not work for the Police, social care or indeed probation services, we work alongside them, which means we are able to help you to navigate through these statutory services.

We want you to feel comfortable talking to us you may have already had to speak to the police, children’s social care, you may feel they do not understand your personal circumstances, you may even feel that you are to blame in some way - this is why we can be your voice when you need us to be.

We make sure that we bring your voice, your needs and your choices to every discussion we are involved with so that wherever possible you can retain your control and choice over what happens.  I will then work with you to create a safety and support plan that is unique to you.

When someone seeks help, there are a huge number of services they might need; housing, civil and criminal courts, the police, benefits advice, probation services, parenting programmes, mental health support workers, substance misuse workers, refuges, children and young people's services, their GP - I could keep going with the list….

So, imagine for a moment that you’ve summoned up the courage to finally leave, you’re feeling vulnerable and afraid and understandably really nervous about what the future might hold – you have to try and find your way through all that…. that's if you even knew half of it existed in the first place or where and how to start to getting in touch with them…

So that's where we IDVA’S come in.  

I have been training specifically to help navigate through all these different services with my clients, to understand domestic abuse and how it might influence their emotions and decisions.

I thought it might help if I talked a bit about what I do on a “normal day” (if there is such a thing!) and that might help explain the sorts of things that we do…

At the moment we’re all working remotely, from home, so that we can continue to provide our services but keep safe and abide by the current restrictions.  I have my own set of cases, so part of my daily routine will be to liaise with other professionals, to check in with my current clients and respond to any events that might have happened since we last spoke.  I usually start by checking whether I have any new referrals – they might have come from the police, social services or Compass who run the 24/7 referral helpline for Essex.  (You can get hold of them on 0330 333 7 444 if you need them).

The first conversation I will have with you can be the longest and the hardest, after all we have never met before and you may not be ready to trust me, I need to carry out a risk-assessment which will help me understand your needs.  I know that there will be some questions that you might find difficult to answer… it’s a tough thing to talk about the abusive relationship that you have experienced, ….  but I understand that you know the abusive person better than anyone and this information will help me to understand your personal situation so I will do everything I can to make this first discussion as easy as it can be.  There is no need to be fearful of what we might talk about -  I don’t judge and I’m a really good listener! I will then work with you to create a safety and support plan that is unique to you.

Everyone’s needs will be slightly different – one person might need additional security at home but someone else might need to leave home and be looking for specialist refuge accommodation, another person might need help with securing their right to remain in the country and another might need help with child contact.

Our first aim is to reduce the risk and then to work with them to give them the knowledge and confidence to prevent this happening again through our support which is empowering and safety focused.

Whatever you need, we will work it out together, to carefully plan small steps towards freedom.

I know that my colleagues have discussed what domestic abuse looks like in previous blogs, but I just want to say again that the chances are we will all know a victim of domestic abuse, because it doesn't just happen to one sort of person.   I know that sometimes the person won’t even realise that they are living with domestic abuse because they might not have a black eye - but they are being emotionally abused, financially controlled, bullied and coerced.   They live in fear of their partner's reaction - and yet they are also fearful of the consequences of telling someone...  Will he/she be arrested?  Will their child be taken away?  Will they bring shame on the family?  Nothing is simple…

That’s why we are all so passionate about supporting victims of domestic abuse to leave, recover and live their life free from abuse.  We don’t want them to be fearful of the consequences of telling someone so we will do everything within our power to advocate for them, enabling and ensuring that they get a voice that will be heard.

My job is to show our clients we're working for them and with them, not against them.  For many, it's hard for them to get their head around that - they've haven't had anyone on their side for so long.  They've lived without choices or freedom for months, years, sometimes decades.  Our team, our passionate and dedicated and the training we have means we can start to give our clients options for their future.

What does Christmas mean to you? They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year…. Sadly, the reality for some is quite the opposite.

As a domestic abuse practitioner with Next Chapter, we often see a rise in domestic abuse cases over the Christmas period. Many factors can contribute towards this, such as the increase in alcohol consumption and the financial pressure to create a ‘perfect’ Christmas.

Many of us will be looking forward to seeing our dear ones within our ‘Christmas bubble’ but for others this may mean the opposite and having to spend more time in a confined space with their abuser. Many issues can arise when pressures are high. During the Christmas school holiday, children are out of their routine and can become restless. There is fear of the children witnessing the abuse and therefore, having to walk on eggshells to protect them and keep the peace. This can be exhausting and instead of enjoying Christmas, there is a real sense of isolation and being alone.

Many of my clients talk to me about the fear of not creating the ‘perfect’ Christmas for their families, especially if there is ongoing domestic abuse. There is dread of Christmas not going to plan and believing it will be their fault and they will be blamed. My advice is clear, Christmas is one day and does not have to be perfect. Taking on the responsibility to make everything picture-perfect, is an impossible task. You are responsible for yourself and your children. If you share Christmas with other adults, they are accountable for their own happiness and for their own actions.

What you can do

Speak to someone – Tell someone you trust, this could be a close friend, work colleague or family member. Confiding in someone will help.

It is always important to be aware that domestic abuse can be experienced by both men and women, of any sexual orientation and of any age.

You do not have to suffer in silence, you will be believed and you will be supported.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin. Mother Teressa

Next Chapter are here to help and can offer support and advice during and after the Christmas period.

Duty Team: 01206 500585 opt 2

Compass Essex Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0330 333 7444

www.thenextchapter.org.uk Live web chat service available

And the time had come when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom. Anis Nin

Hello again and welcome back to our IDVA blog...

I thought it may be helpful to bust a bit of the jargon that professionals can sometimes use – I know that we sometimes have a habit of using acronyms, and maybe talking too quickly.  We need to remember that this may be the first time you have found yourself in a world of various different agencies being involved in your life and we expect that it sometimes may feel a little intrusive.

Let’s try and break that down a bit, you may have found yourself being identified or labelled as a high risk victim of domestic abuse/violence and there may also be several calls to you from lots of different agencies.  I know that you may not always feel like talking to them or indeed feel as though you have to keep repeating what has happened to you, with all the agencies asking similar questions and gathering lots of personal information all about you and your family.

This in itself can be daunting, frightening and quite possibly a tad annoying!  We certainly do not ever set out to annoy you but the reason for all of questions is to ensure we are all doing the very best we can to keep you safe,  understand your level of risk and ensure we are putting in the safety around you and your children in the best way we can.  So, please be sure that no one is judging you, we all want to do the very best we can to support you and one agency is not always able to have expertise in all the areas of support that you may need.  We all try hard to work together and ensure that you are at the centre of everything we do.

Jargon Explained...

CSC = Children’s Social Care (Don’t be alarmed you and your children are at the heart of all they do to ensure safety)

ASC = Adult's Social Care

IDVA = Independent Domestic Violence Advocate

DAP= Domestic Abuse Practitioner

WCU = Witness Care Unit

NPS = National Probation Service

CRC = Community Rehabilitation Company

TCP = The Change Project

CAFCASS = Children & Family Court Advisory

DASH = Domestic Abuse Stalking & Harassment Risk Assessment Tool

NCDV = National Centre for Domestic Violence

Compass = This is Essex’s triage service for all victims of domestic abuse

DA = Domestic Abuse

DV = Domestic Violence (we at Next Chapter refer to it as domestic abuse as you will have read in previous blogs domestic abuse is a lot more than a physical violent attack)

ABH = Actual Bodily Harm

GBH = Grievous Bodily Harm

MARAC = Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference

ASBO = Anti-Social Behaviour Order/or Officer

I don’t want you to be bored with the jargon busting and I know you can google all of the above for yourself if you wanted to… My point to you all today is to continue to ensure you that as IDVA’s we can help and we will help with all sorts of issues that matter to you, simple and not so simple.  We may not always have the solution right away, but we will help you get there, we will  help you see the wood for the trees, to see that there can be a light at the end of that tunnel and you will then understand why all of a sudden you have so  many people wanting to talk to you.

We will not be shocked, we will not be judging you, we are simply going to listen and advise and support you no matter what your individual story is…

Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle, and how frustrating it can be if just one piece is missing! We want to help and support you to get all those pieces of the jigsaw in place.

‍