News, Impact, Stories & Blog

Hi to all. I have been wanting to write something to voice my appreciation to Next Chapter for quite some time but felt that waiting until the the New Year was better as its a very special time for myself.

"What a difference a year makes".........

I crashed through (Lorna's words. Lol!) the doors of Next Chapter a very broken women. Abused, Addicted and not really knowing where I would even begin....but begin I did. It was the start of an incredible journey, that as cliches go has been nothing short of a miracle.

With the support of staff ay Next Chapter I find myself not only alive but actually living a life I neither thought I deserved of believed. They believed in me and I have now come to believe in myself. The opportunities that I was given, the help I had, the work they did with me was and is amazing!

I thank God every single day that I ended up stumbling through those doors but I did have Hope. Next Chapter has given and supported me throughout my journey and I am forever grateful for the belief in me which also includes Foodbank (Nikki).

I now have my appearance (lol), my family back in my life, a roof over my head, food in my cupboard. I volunteer, I have job opportunities and most of all am I flipping year clean, safe and sober!!! None of this would have been possible if not for all the incredible ladies at Next Chapter (and Simon) that constantly encouraged me and still do.

I have so much appreciation, gratitude and LOVE for all that you helped me to achieve. If you havn't dozed off yet thank ALL...Lorna, Jan, Mandy, Charlee, Sally, Eleanor, Julie, Hasina, Katy. THANK YOU......xxx

If you ever feel like you are isolated, alone and help just isn't there - read this wonderful feedback that should give everyone the confidence to reach out to us...

I would like to comment on the recent help I have received from The Next Chapter. I can honestly say without the help given to me, it is doubtful that I would be here to write this at all!

I was at my lowest point and was literally emotionally and physically at a breakpoint.  I did not feel I could carry on another day.  I was not eating or sleeping and constantly on edge and fearful.  I was in an abusive relationship which was not only physical but mentally abusive.  I believed, in the end, all he told me, and that I deserved all he did and said to me.  

I believed it was all my fault.  He told me continuously that I was useless and no one else would want me.  He made me believe that if I walked away from him things would get worse.

I was terrified and each time I left him  I just wanted to go back to stop him harassing me.    Family and friends could not understand.  People would say "why do you go back?   "You have a good job, home, it is your own fault"!   No one understood and  I felt totally cut off and isolated. The worst part was he told me continuously that  “ no one would believe me if I reported it”.     I lived in fear every single day.  I dreaded the texts, the calls, the mood swings, the temper, the violence and his drinking.

My doctor realised I had been coming to surgery covering up injuries and was very ill and put me in touch with The Next Chapter Organisation.

From the outset I received support and help from The Next Chapter, the biggest thing for me was that “they understood and they believed me”.     No one called me “stupid or an idiot or a liar” from the outset they advised me on how to log the abuse and provided details of legal help available to me.   They gave me steps to empower myself  and how to take the steps to cut him out of my life completely.   At every step of the way, I was supported.  

Naomi an Outreach Counsellor began visiting me and I cannot begin to describe how much that first visit gave me confidence.   I was no longer alone, I had someone who supported me.    In the beginning, there were tears and Naomi would listen and make small suggestions (small steps) each day began to get a little easier.  Nothing was ever forced on me, but I was gently encouraged.  I did get upset at Christmas/Valentines Day/Birthdays but Naomi gave me things to read and a plan to keep me from doubting myself and going back.  

I began to slowly see the light - I started to see that life was worth living and I was not dependent on my abuser for my happiness.  I began to enjoy being free again.  I began to slowly believe in myself and get my own self worth back.   I am a different person for the first time in years.

Lockdown came amongst it all and I have spent 5 weeks in total isolation alone seeing no one, and rather than feel like I needed him or that I was stupid and could not cope,  I actually feel free and am able to just be on my own, make my own decisions again, not live on my nerves waiting for him to explode.   I received telephone calls in Lockdown checking up on me.   I cannot speak highly enough of the service I received.  

Why The  Next Chapter is different and such an invaluable service!  I did try to seek help to get away previously, I tried Counselling, Hypnosis, CBT - talking etc but no one really seemed to understand the “hold” my abuser had over me.  Well-meaning people would say “Just put the Phone down or Ignore him and walk away” but it is not that simple when you live in fear daily.  No one really gave me any proper steps to help me get away and put a complete stop to it.   The Abuser will turn up and turn on the charm and worm their way back in time after time.  

Naomi understood and her wealth of experience shone through she was helpful, practical and talked through the fears and helped me face them and put them aside.  I had the confidence to put an end to it for good.  I will never be in an abusive relationship again,  Naomi and Darina taught me the signs to look out for and I feel so much more empowered now.  

I have work in a fast-paced environment all my working life and have always been independent- and I think people were shocked at the extent of the abuse and how it had happened to me!  People kept saying "But how could this have happened to you"?   Abuse happens in all environments to all sorts of people.  

Abusers are cunning they are kind in the beginning and then they become controlling and manipulative and I kept on believing that the nice side would return!  It can happen to anyone - I blamed myself but Naomi helped me stop beating myself up and building up my confidence again.

For me the abuse and constant tormenting was rapidly accelerating and had The Next Chapter not been there I am in no doubt whatsoever it would have been a different story.  I am in no doubt I would have been badly injured.

I would also like to mention that their service gives you the tools to equip yourself for the future via The Freedom Programme and the outreach Friendship groups.  It is geared up to help you take the steps needed.  It is about empowering you and helping you to see you are worth more.  

This is something I will always be so grateful for.  Naomi literally saved my life in so many ways - her experience and knowledge was so helpful.  I hope that my review will help people see just what an amazing service this is and how experienced and invaluable their counsellors truly are. If anyone is reading this feeling isolated and alone, I can say from my experience that you are not,  and if you are fearful about reaching out then don't be - this was the best call I ever made.  Take that step and change your life, you are worth so much more.      I am a totally different person to the one I was 6 months ago.     I will always be very grateful to Naomi and The Next Chapter

Thank you for the wonderful feedback on the support from Naomi!  We are so very delighted that we have been able to be part of your journey and to see your transformation...

Today marked the last time I spoke with Naomi at Next Chapter, it also marks the end of one chapter of my life and the start of a more hopeful, brighter and peaceful new chapter. I called Domestic Violence helpline reluctantly following an incident which led me to leave my home and take my children with me. What was to unfold thereafter was the start of my journey to leave this relationship and never turn back.

My relationship with my now ex partner was intoxicating at the start and throughout. In the beginning he said and did everything I wanted, he was everything I had dreamed of in a man, I was completely obsessed with him! There were some red flags at the start but I chose to ignore them convinced he was the one for me! I got pregnant a year into our relationship and he moved in a month before our child was born to live we me and my other children. Looking back, there were things that made me feel uncomfortable but I went along with it convinced (by him) that what he was saying was right.

When he moved in, our relationships was very turbulant but I put it down to the stress of an ex husband, paying a mortgage, new baby and him taking on two children not his own. He worked very hard and had had a very hard and distressing upbringing. I put his outbursts and anger down to that, I excused every comment, every time he shouted, every time he gave me the silent treatment, every time he ignored my cries, every time he made me feel I was a terrible human being.

We had a relationship that consisted of pure ecstasy, love and commitment one moment to utter dispair, sadness, lonliness, shame, grief, hopelessness the next. There was no in between. I was later to discover that this was part of trauma bonding, I was addicted to the highs. I persevered for 6 years, persistently convinving myself it would get better, he was a good man and it would get better when the debt was paid or when my children were a bit older or when he got a new job...each time, no change. In fact, it got worse and the last 6 months of my relationship with him became unbearable.

He started to act very strange and his patience was almost zero, he worked more and more and emotionally became disconnected with me. I did try to speak with him about this but he told me I was insecure, controlling, delusional etc. He still would tell me I was beautiful from time to time, he would show his vulnerability every now and then but these became fewer and fewer. I became increasingly suspicious that something was not right and every time I confronted he would scream at me telling me I was fu*ked in the head, I need help, and why should he pay for my ex-husbands mistakes.

Eventually an incident happened in front of my children where he became physical with me. Yet, I forgave him convinced this was out of character and an isolated incident. After the incident he was wonderful, things started to feel ok, he was attentive and kind, complimentary and available to me but this only lasted a short time. The atmosphere changed, I was worried it was going back to how it was, the arguments set back in, the shouting, him calling me names and making me feel like I was going mad.

One morning he snapped, made accusations, screamed at me, called me various names and something in me just said, that's it. Ive had enough. So that evening, while he was at work, I packed my things and packed my children up. This infuriated him. He became unrecogniseable, a person I had not known at all. He made various threats. He became increasingly erratic in his behaviour and blamed me for how bad his mental health was. Scared to return to the home, worried about my rights to my home and our child, my mum convinced me to ring a domestic violence helpline who subsequently referred me to Next Chapter.

Shortly after, I recieved a call from Naomi. I explained to her what had happend in the past 6 months, and she told me I had been a victim of abuse. Hearing these words made me feel so sad, I felt sick and when I got off the phone, I sat in silence. I did not believe I had been a victim, maybe in that isolated incident yes but not throughout my entire relationship. It felt hard to bear and I continued to excuse his behaviour to Naomi and in my mind, convincing myself that it was just circumstantial and he's a good man.

Naomi made sure that I was safe and advised I stay with my parents for the timebeing. In spite of the advice given to me, I went home. He was crying and was helpless, I felt sorry for him and felt completely to blame for this. He had booked to go away for a few days so I felt it would be ok to be in his company for one night. Another big row ensued but we talked everything through and I felt some hope. While he was away I discoved something that was to uncover a catalogue of lies and deceipt for the past 6 months. I packed his bags and told him never to come back. He took his bags and he left. He moved to another county. I was absolutely distraught.

I needed the support from Naomi now more than ever, I felt abandoned and alone. There was no emotion, remorse or guilt from him, he discarded me and had no desire whatsoever to make it right. I was in a very dark place so I started to seek help with a counsellor. Naomi explained to me about the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding, still in denial about actually being abused, I researched this on the internet, I read and read and it became apparent to me that what Naomi was saying to me was what was actually happening to me. This was difficult to accept at first. I tried to convince myself many times that there was no cycle, or part of the cycle was missed but with Naomi's support, her kindness and gentleness she started to open my eyes.

Her advice to me was to start to look after myself, give myself some kindness and compassion, some self love. She told me about red flags, how to set boundaries, how to listen to my intuition if I wasn't comfortable and how to recognise when the abuse will take place. She even warned me about what his next move may be and unsurpsingly for her, is exactly what happend! Its been 4 months since the day I packed his bags and asked him to leave and they have been the most difficult yet revealing 4 months of my life.

I listened to Naomi, started to look after myself and educate myself on what had happened and why. I listened to an amazing audio book called Whole Again about finding peace after being in a narcisistic relationship. I've faced many many obstacles, I've denied, I've cried, I've felt shame, blame, I've felt guilt for allowing this to take place and putting my children through it, but I've also felt liberated, I've felt hope for the first time in forever but most of all, I've felt free.

Having the knowledge that what I experienced was in actual fact domestic emotional and physical abuse, that what happened was not my fault, that I can heal from this. This is what I learnt from Naomi. She has been a profound support to me, to this journey, to my knowledge and to my healing. She used the phase knowledge is power and it is so true. Now I am aware of the cycle, and the trauma bonding, I am aware that he still gaslights me but with this awareness comes freedom.

I am free because I know this is about him, his demons, his past, his wounds and it has nothing to do with me.

I am free because I know I am strong, I know I have come so far, I know my children are safe and I know I am safe, I am free because I can accept what has happened to me and I can feel safe in the knowledge that my story wont define me or my future.

I have no doubt that if I had not have spoken to Naomi and been exposed to what was really happening, I may have gone back, I most definitely wouldnt have taken those steps to take care of myself and educate myself and I 100% wouldn't be here writing this.

Naomi, if youre reading this, thank you. Thank you for that last push of encouragement before I went away on my own, for always being so kind and gentle, for supporting me, for guiding me, for explaining things to be me but most of all, thank you for opening my eyes.

For anyone considering getting some help, even if you think your situation isnt that bad (like I did), even if if you're scared or don't want to face up to what is really happening. Have courage, it will be hard and I'm still on this journey but I can see light and you will too :) xx

‍

‍

“Is it a crime?”

“Should I report it?”

‍“Will the Police believe me?”

“He had never hit me before.”

“He’s just jealous of my friends.”

“I stayed out a bit too long.”

“I should have known better.”

“He’s always been like this.”

“I’ve never reported before in all these years.”

"What will happen if I report him to the police?

“Will they arrest him?”

“My children will be cross with me and sad if he is arrested."

"What happens when he is released?"

"He will be mad!”

“He might kill me."

‍“I don’t want him to have a criminal record.”

“I just want the abuse to stop.”

“The thing is.. I don’t recognise this person I have become.”

“I am sorry and worried for my children living like this too, anxious, fearful, never saying what they think.”

“.. but what will we do without him?”

“How can I care for my children on my own?”

“I don’t know what to do.”

Hi, my name is Ana.  I am a Domestic Abuse Practitioner and have been supporting survivors of gender-based violence and domestic abuse for over a decade.  I have heard those phrases over and over again.  Those and many other practical considerations are some of the issues my clients struggle with before taking the decision of finally reporting their abusive partners to the police.

Do they resonate with you?

It might be that it was a neighbour calling the police forcing you to finally take that step.  Or that a seemingly unimportant thing that the abusive person did or said to you or your children, was the last straw and something just “clicked” in your mind and your heart, making everything clear.  You suddenly realise that this is not – as he tells you -  about being loved and protected, but about being undermined, trapped and abused.  Nevertheless, that moment when the uniformed police officers knock on the door can be one of the most frightening, anxious and loneliest times for anybody, and at the same time it can be the moment you – maybe shakily - but surely, start moving towards a life of dignity, respect, peace and safety for you and your children.  You ARE capable of doing that, even if your partner has been telling you how “incapable” you are of doing anything by yourself.  He just wanted you to think that, so that you would remain under his power and control.

Hopefully, you will have the support of a Domestic Abuse Practitioner (DAP) or an (IDVA) , an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate who will work with you if you are deemed to be a high risk of further harm.  Both will clarify any doubts about the process, guide you through it and will link with any other people you have been supported by, for example your health visitor, a midwife, a teacher at the children’s school or a social worker.  In some cases you will be also contacted by a Witness Protection Officer or Victim Support.  The benefit of this approach is that the support you get is co-ordinated, and relevant to your circumstances.  It also means that you don’t have to repeat what’s happened to every single person individually and that all aspects of your family’s life are  considered.  This is called working from a multi-agency approach to support.  And… of course you will have direct contact with the Police Officer in charge of your case.

So, how does it all work? What support can you expect from the Police and  the Criminal Justice System and what is the criminal justice process?

First things first - Reporting to the Police:

• Are things getting very heated and you start feeling threatened and unsafe?  Is someone else at risk of violence?  Do you need support straight away?  Call 999  Officers will attend as soon as possible.
• If it is not urgent, but you have decided you need to speak to the police about your circumstances and get information and advice from them: Call 101.  You will be given an appointment to speak to an officer.  They will meet you somewhere safe and if necessary in plain clothes, and they will discuss your options.

You can also call 101 to speak to the attending officer who came to the emergency call, if you don’t have his number.  You can quote the Incident number/ Crime Reference number they gave you and they will put you in contact with the officer.  Keep this safe and at hand, as you may also need it as evidence for other processes such as homelessness application and other housing and legal issues.  

After what seems like an eternity, there is a knock at the door and two uniformed police officers are there.  You are still shaken by what has happened, and suddenly it dawns on you “what’s going to happen now?”.  You feel both relieved but also scared to see them.  No need to… they are there to protect you and the children and any other members of your family who may be at risk.  They are professionals and they are following a protocol.  But they are also human and they are being asked to make an assessment of the situation in seconds and determine who is the suspect and who is the victim, or whether in fact a crime has been committed.  Sometimes, this is not patently clear at first glance unless of course there are physical signs of an assault.  I have been told that any such misunderstandings are most definitely rectified.

Let’s imagine the abusive person is rightly identified as the suspect and he is taken to the police for questioning.  When you are left alone and your children are looking at you as if saying “Mum, what did you do”?  That’s when you have to remain calm and stay on track.  This was not a rushed decision.  It was the result of accumulated grief and pain caused by the abuse and feel confident that you are preventing further and potentially more serious incidents.  Call someone you trust for reassurance and support.

What happens next?

• The “suspect” is at the Police Station (for up to 24 hours).  Officers return to your address.
• They will ask you to give a basic account of the incident and whether you will be supporting an investigation (below the benefits of supporting) and will assess your risk to further harm.
• Safeguarding you and the children will be their main concern, whatever your level of risk. So they will refer/signpost to other agencies (Next Chapter, Compass Children Social Care, Victim Support).  They may also “flag” your property and your mobile to treat any calls as urgent, or they will apply for a DVPO (Domestic Violence Protective Order), initially preventing the abusive person to return to the property for 48 hours.  If necessary they will extend it to 28 days by applying to Court.  You will also be referred to a Specialist Team (Domestic Abuse Investigating Team) and will be allocated an Officer in charge of your case who will communicate with you regularly.
• They will give you an Incident/Crime Reference number and one of the attending officer’s name and telephone number.  It’s a good idea to exchange emails, in case later on you wish to provide any details or updates and you can’t get to the phone.  

In the meantime at the police station:

• Police Officers decide whether they have enough evidence to keep him in custody and charge him or release him until further investigations are made.  They will do this only if they are satisfied that the survivor and children will be safe.  He may be on bail conditions not to return to the property.  If he is charged he will attend a first hearing where he can plead “guilty” or “not guilty”.  This is called a “Process Hearing”.  You don’t have to attend.  If he pleads guilty, he may be given a sentence then or shortly afterwards.  If he is in denial and pleads “not guilty”, they will set a court day at the Magistrates Court for trial.  If the crime requires a greater sentence it will go to Crown Court.
• The Police may have enough evidence so that you may not need to attend Court. BUT, if they have your statement, whether there is a conviction or not, they may be able to apply for a Protective Order called “Restraining Order” which can last anything from 1 year to 2 or 5 years or indefinitely.  That is the benefit of “supporting the investigation”.  One important document in this process is the Victim Impact Statement, which describes the effect that all the abuse has had on your mental and physical well-being.
• By the way, unless he is convicted, he won’t get a criminal record.
• If you did have to go to Court at some point, which I have been told by a Police Specialist Team Leader, is not a foregone conclusion, you would be supported to make it a less anxious time.  If you wish you will be taken for a pre-trial visit to the court by an Officer, at court you will be supported by the Witness Care Team and special measures (like a screen or video link) will be put in place so that you don’t have to face your ex-partner.  Afterwards they will inform you of the outcome of the hearing.

Now… if he has never hit you, you may still be asking yourself these questions:

“Is what he is doing a crime?” “Should I report his extreme jealousy and keeping me away from my family and friends?”  “Can I report him for making me feel worthless every day” “Can I go to the police because he never lets me have any mental or physical space?... not even in the bathroom”? “Or because every time I enrol on a course, he decides to work on those days and I have no one to look after the children”? “Should I tell the police that I have to tell him exactly where I am going, how long I will be, who I met on the way and what we talked about in detail?” Is it a crime when he threatens with harming me or the children?” or “when he threatens me with publishing  on social media something really private and embarrassing that I once told him about me?” ..”or when he broke my phone because I hadn’t answered it when he called me?“Should I report that he manages all our money even though I am the one who earns the most, because he says I am dreadful with finances and just gives me pocket money”?

The answer is : YES  !!!   ALL OF THAT CONSTITUTES A CRIMINAL OFFENCE .  It’s called Coercive and Controlling behaviour.  And if in doubt, stalking and harassment are also criminal offences.  Below are some links for further information on all these.

Of course, you may still not wish to go through the criminal justice route, whilst still wanting the abuse to finish.  If that is the case you can apply for a Non Molestation Order (aka injunction),  and an Occupation Order.  These will have to be the subject of another blog, because I have gone well over my word limit!

So, I would just like to finish by saying to you what I often say to my clients: “Dare to imagine a life in which you feel joyful, respected, honoured, where you can express yourself, fulfil your potential, watch your children playing, working, studying in a relaxed, peaceful atmosphere and..then let those feelings give you strength and determination to make the necessary changes in your life”

A client of mine once responded to this by saying: ”Oh I just imagine my children having a dog, running in the garden, laughing”. Her husband had never allowed the children any pets.  That was her motivation.  Find yours.  It’s your and your children’s human right.

Useful websites:

Police – 999 (emergency)

101 (non-emergency)

Essex Compass - 24 hour Domestic Abuse Helpline - 0330 333 7 444 - https://www.essexcompass.org.uk/

24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 200 0247 – www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk  

National LGBT Domestic Violence Helpline – 0300 999 5428 – www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/help/helpline

National Stalking Helpline – 0808 802 0300 – www.stalkinghelpline.org/faq/about-the-law/

Revenge Porn Helpline – 0845 6000 459 – www.revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

Stop Online Abuse – www.stoponlineabuse.org.uk

The Law Society (to find a solicitor) – www.lawsociety.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

Rights of Women (for detailed information on Criminal and Civil Justice processes and a host of legal issues linked to domestic abuse including coercive controlling behaviour)  www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Women’s Aid : www.womensaid.org.uk

I’m Joss and I manage our Children and Young People’s service and I’m here to share our first Monday morning message.

So, who would have thought that we would ever find ourselves in this situation?   I can’t believe that the things that we have taken for granted in our daily lives have now gone and I know that this can leave many feeling fearful and uncertain.

I have worked with many families to support them as they try to manage their safety and that of their children.  I can only imagine that the living arrangements that were just about manageable before could now feel make you feel really vulnerable and make you question just how safe you are.  I know that going to school is part of our children’s daily routine, and that has now gone, with us as parents now being expected to be their teachers and support our children with subjects we may know nothing about.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been staring at the screen for the last half an hour trying to work out if it’s their, there or they’re….!?

I also know that, for children who are or have experienced domestic abuse, school is likely to have been their safe haven, with teachers forming a part of their emotional support network.  For them, the loss of school isn’t just about education so for now, forget the school work…

Research tells us our children learn best when they are calm and feel connected, and I know from experience that this starts with YOU…  That probably feels a bit scary, especially if you are scared and struggling yourself, so how do you help your children be calm and connected?

If you have ever flown in a plane, you may remember the cabin crew safety briefing - in the event of loss of oxygen, a mask will drop down in front of you.  PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON first before helping others – this is because you can only help others if you have enough oxygen of your own.  It's the same in a crisis, to help your children you need to be able to look after your own emotional health and safety first.

As a first step consider how you feel.  Stare at this wheel of emotion, cast your eyes around it until you settle on a spot that seems to represent how you feel inside – if you were being really honest with yourself…[your current inner emotional make up]….

Maybe you feel some of these emotions, or perhaps you feel all of these emotions but at different times, you may also feel lots of other emotions that aren’t shown here.  Please be reassured that this is completely normal and to be expected in such difficult times.  You may be experiencing a loss of a sense of safety – this could be very real (loss of job leading to fears about paying bills) or perceived (not being able to see the virus so not knowing where you might catch it).

Spend some time recognising and acknowledging your own feelings (this takes time and practice – trust me!) – every day I find time to notice my feeling and say to myself ‘there’s anxiety’ or ‘there’s anger’ or ‘there’s contentment’.  If you like you can take notes or keep a log of your emotional journey or just jot down words that come to mind – over time this has really helped me to also be more aware of my children’s emotions.

So, for now, the focus is you - here’s your Monday morning to do list:-

• Take a shower and notice the sensation of the water
• Practice recognising and naming your emotions
• Look at yourself in the mirror. Smile, even it it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

You are now in a better place to talk to your child about what is happening in the world right now.  Get you and the children comfortable and take a look at these resources to help you explain.

Tomorrow we’ve got a great exercise that you can do together to create emotional safety within your home.  

For our younger learners:-

https://nosycrowcoronavirus.s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/Coronavirus-ABookForChildren.pdf

Other useful links:-

https://www.escb.co.uk/

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/make-a-donation/?gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItIiJqeKA6QIVhc13Ch3TPQXJEAAYASAAEgJo0_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Welcome back!  I really hoped you enjoyed yesterdays blog and found the emotion wheel useful.  It is something the Children’s Team use daily in their work with parents and they seem to really like it – last week one of our parents said that identifying how she is feeling at the start of the day helped her to cope with the rest of the day.  She said

‘If I feel worried or anxious in the mornings I know that I need to take extra care of myself during the day’.

We love this!  And so true!

I hope you managed to find time to talk to your child about Covid-19.  It’s really important that we talk openly with our children and use age-appropriate props to help us do this safely.  It’s also really important to know that THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER – it will pass, and we will do fun things outside with our friends again.

So, you survived Monday!  Well done.

One of the things that I am really missing is seeing my friends and family – we know that ‘being connected’ is really important for our mental health and emotional wellbeing.  Having close positive relationships gives us a purpose and a sense of belonging.  During this lockdown many of the ways we are usually connected to people – friends, family, work colleagues, school chums – have changed beyond all recognition.

As adults, we can make sense of it to a certain extent – but our children will find it harder to understand.  They cannot play with their friends, or celebrate their birthday as they would like to or play in a football match, and this is upsetting.

So today, I am going to show you a great exercise that is used regularly by the Children’s Team to help you child when they do get upset or feel overwhelmed.  We can’t change the fact that we’re going to be stuck indoors for a while so this exercise will help create a sense of safety in your home when things feel tough for your child.

Ask your child to think about their special place in the home.

• Do they have a room of their own or a favourite space in the house?
• Do they like to be in the garden if the weather’s ok, or the garden shed?
• Get them to tell you why they like it and if it makes them feel safe – is it because it’s private or with people?
• Do they like it to feel closed in?  Dark or light?
• Do they like their toys in there or things to cuddle?
• Is it sunny and warm?
• Do they like to have their snacks in there?

If your child doesn’t identify anywhere, ask them if they would like to make a special safe space – this is something you can create together and talk about why it is safe.

Then have a conversation with you child about how you can keep it safe and what it means if your child goes there during the day.

Think about your own space too – it might be your bedroom, the bath, a spot in the garden – anywhere where you feel you can have some peace surrounded by objects you like and things that bring you comfort.

Talk to your child about why this space is important to each of you – do you want to be alone?  Does this mean your child needs a cuddle and reassurance?

Our practitioners love this exercise – they encourage children to then create that safe space in their mind and go to this place when they feel they need to feel safe.  This really helps those children who may be spending some time with both parents – it’s something that stays with them all the time and they can use wherever they are.

Give it a go…!  I taught this to my children some time ago when they were having friendship issues in school and all they wanted to do was run home – they found if they went to their safe space in their mind to get ‘grounded’ again, they could manage with the rest of their day – now, as young adults, they still use this technique

So just before I sign off for today, I wanted to mention meditation.  Have you tried it?  Some schools are using guided meditation with their young learners as a calm down technique – it’s also really beneficial for adults too and is something I encourage the Children’s Team to do themselves every day.  I know life is busy and to do lists seem endless, but while we have some time on our hands – give it a go….

You could do the meditation with your child in their safe space.  Here’s a link to Rainbow Waterfall Peaceout – great stuff!

These exercises can really help when your child becomes overwhelmed and you seem at a loss as to how to help them – if you create the safe space while your child is calm and you both feel ‘connected’ you will have a ‘go to’ strategy for when calm and connection goes out of the window – which is does!  But is WILL return.  Good luck.

Tomorrow we are going to talk through our fight, flight, freeze response but in the meantime here are some other activities to help keep you connected to your child:-

• Play hide and seek
• Paint each other’s faces
• Play catch (this is really good for calming)
• Do a puzzle
• Give your child a piggy back

Have a great day.