News, Impact, Stories & Blog

Welcome back!  I really hoped you enjoyed yesterdays blog and found the emotion wheel useful.  It is something the Children’s Team use daily in their work with parents and they seem to really like it – last week one of our parents said that identifying how she is feeling at the start of the day helped her to cope with the rest of the day.  She said

‘If I feel worried or anxious in the mornings I know that I need to take extra care of myself during the day’.

We love this!  And so true!

I hope you managed to find time to talk to your child about Covid-19.  It’s really important that we talk openly with our children and use age-appropriate props to help us do this safely.  It’s also really important to know that THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER – it will pass, and we will do fun things outside with our friends again.

So, you survived Monday!  Well done.

One of the things that I am really missing is seeing my friends and family – we know that ‘being connected’ is really important for our mental health and emotional wellbeing.  Having close positive relationships gives us a purpose and a sense of belonging.  During this lockdown many of the ways we are usually connected to people – friends, family, work colleagues, school chums – have changed beyond all recognition.

As adults, we can make sense of it to a certain extent – but our children will find it harder to understand.  They cannot play with their friends, or celebrate their birthday as they would like to or play in a football match, and this is upsetting.

So today, I am going to show you a great exercise that is used regularly by the Children’s Team to help you child when they do get upset or feel overwhelmed.  We can’t change the fact that we’re going to be stuck indoors for a while so this exercise will help create a sense of safety in your home when things feel tough for your child.

Ask your child to think about their special place in the home.

• Do they have a room of their own or a favourite space in the house?
• Do they like to be in the garden if the weather’s ok, or the garden shed?
• Get them to tell you why they like it and if it makes them feel safe – is it because it’s private or with people?
• Do they like it to feel closed in?  Dark or light?
• Do they like their toys in there or things to cuddle?
• Is it sunny and warm?
• Do they like to have their snacks in there?

If your child doesn’t identify anywhere, ask them if they would like to make a special safe space – this is something you can create together and talk about why it is safe.

Then have a conversation with you child about how you can keep it safe and what it means if your child goes there during the day.

Think about your own space too – it might be your bedroom, the bath, a spot in the garden – anywhere where you feel you can have some peace surrounded by objects you like and things that bring you comfort.

Talk to your child about why this space is important to each of you – do you want to be alone?  Does this mean your child needs a cuddle and reassurance?

Our practitioners love this exercise – they encourage children to then create that safe space in their mind and go to this place when they feel they need to feel safe.  This really helps those children who may be spending some time with both parents – it’s something that stays with them all the time and they can use wherever they are.

Give it a go…!  I taught this to my children some time ago when they were having friendship issues in school and all they wanted to do was run home – they found if they went to their safe space in their mind to get ‘grounded’ again, they could manage with the rest of their day – now, as young adults, they still use this technique

So just before I sign off for today, I wanted to mention meditation.  Have you tried it?  Some schools are using guided meditation with their young learners as a calm down technique – it’s also really beneficial for adults too and is something I encourage the Children’s Team to do themselves every day.  I know life is busy and to do lists seem endless, but while we have some time on our hands – give it a go….

You could do the meditation with your child in their safe space.  Here’s a link to Rainbow Waterfall Peaceout – great stuff!

These exercises can really help when your child becomes overwhelmed and you seem at a loss as to how to help them – if you create the safe space while your child is calm and you both feel ‘connected’ you will have a ‘go to’ strategy for when calm and connection goes out of the window – which is does!  But is WILL return.  Good luck.

Tomorrow we are going to talk through our fight, flight, freeze response but in the meantime here are some other activities to help keep you connected to your child:-

• Play hide and seek
• Paint each other’s faces
• Play catch (this is really good for calming)
• Do a puzzle
• Give your child a piggy back

Have a great day.

It’s Wednesday!  Halfway through the week!

How are you feeling today?

The Children and Young Person’s Team have all ‘checked-in’ with themselves and reported a mixture of feelings today – hopeful, confident, discouraged, frustrated and thoughtful.  As a team, we try to check in with how we feel everyday – making an effort to understand our emotions without being too hard on ourselves,  can be really valuable in helping us manage them better and as a result we can find it easier to cope with situations, so stick with it.

How did you get on with the safe space exercise yesterday?

I hope it was a useful strategy – if not immediately but one you can use at any time.  It can feel really difficult to be the emotionally available adult when you are using all your resources to just get through the day.  Emotions can feel overwhelming when we experience them so some immediate strategies such as this one can be helpful.

These emotions can be so powerful that they trigger our fight/flight response and that’s when worrying and frightening thoughts start to race around in loops in our heads.  So today I want to show you an activity you and your child can do together to help build connectedness.

I know many of you will be familiar with the fight/flight, freeze response (sometimes just referred to as fight/flight) but in a nutshell this response is triggered when we perceive there is increased risk of threat or danger – the body activates the fight, flight or freeze response for survival.  When this is triggered, it makes learning new information and concentrating on anything really difficult as you are consumed with just trying to stay safe.  You may be experiencing strange physical feelings since lockdown started or even before – by being aware of these sensations can help us to manage during these difficult times.

Our team encourages children, young people and their parents to learn more about the fight, flight, freeze response.  Here are links to support you – the first one is for older children and the second one is for younger children:-

Right, get loads of colouring pens and felt tips ready.

Now, copy this drawing of a gingerbread man or print one out of you prefer.  Have one for you and one for each of your children.

Get yourself and the children settled and ready to use their imagination!  Ask everyone to imagine they are in a wood and walking calmly along a beautiful path surrounded by beautiful trees.  Suddenly they go around a corner and come face to face with a great big grizzly bear!

Using the pens and pencils ask everyone to draw or write on the gingerbread person what they are feeling in their body when they see that bear!

Would they begin to sweat?  Would their body shake?  Would their pupils dilate?  Breathing get faster?  Muscles tense?  Heartbeat faster?

Now for the science bit - these are physiological responses to perceived danger and are designed to help us when our brain thinks we are in danger.  Our brain releases hormones (mainly cortisol and adrenaline) that give us extra strength and energy to either run away, or fight, or freeze.  All the areas shown in this diagram can be affected…

The Children’s Team think it really can help us if we have some understanding of what’s happening in our bodies and use this activity often with the families we support.  To help us manage these feelings the Team use what we call grounding techniques, here are the ones we use every day to help keep us feeling safe in our bodies:-

• Wiggle your fingers
• Tap your feet
• Cuddle your favourite stuffed toy
• Hold an ice cube and let it melt in your hand
• Take a look outside, count the number of trees you can see

Remember – this situation is new to all of us, and we are all learning at our own pace – you are not superhuman – be kind to yourself!

Welcome to Thursday and a change in the weather!  How does that make you feel?  For my young adults it seems to give them permission to have a ‘duvet day’ and stay in bed for longer but for younger children it may mean you have to find more to occupy them!  The weather may make you feel ‘flat’ and less motivated or relieved that you can also have a duvet day!  Whatever you’re feeling it’s ok to feel – feelings and thoughts come and go.  Sometimes, during times of stress, I know for me negative thoughts can stick – I have a saying on my fridge to help me when this happens.  It says ‘Have a Teflon mind, not a Velcro mind’.

Having worrying thoughts about what is happening right now is a normal reaction – we are not in a ‘normal’ situation.  For many of us life has changed dramatically and during crisis we have a loss of a sense of safety.  This may be actual, for example, loss of employment leading to worries about paying the rent, or perceived, such as not being able to see the virus so not knowing where you might catch it.

And so our children will also have worries.  Yesterday we talked about physical responses to stress, today I have an activity to show you that will help with worrying thoughts.  This is a great activity to use any time actually and the Children’s Team always recommend this one for children facing change such as starting a new school, or meeting a new step-parent or other family member, or a house move.  It really does help promote feelings of safety for your child.

Let the worry monster eat up your worries....

I am sure you will be familiar with the ‘worry monsters’!  These are used a lot and there are many versions of them in our high street shops but you don’t need to purchase one to do this activity.

The idea is that at night your child can write down on some paper or card any worries they have.  Your child then pops the worry in to the monster’s mouth before going to sleep.  Once your child is asleep, you then take the pieces of paper out and magic happens – in the morning the worry is gone!

As a parent or carer, you can then see what your child is worried about and work out how best to help them.

The good thing is you really don’t need to buy a monster – we use jars, or a plastic pot, or a box.  Now is the time that you and your child can get really creative with cutting and sticking and making your pot look beautiful!

To help you out, take a look at this:-

https://www.drstephaniemargolese.com/the-worry-jar-technique-help-your-child-overcome-worries-and-anxiety

Put on some relaxing music too!  Really create that calming environment.

One thing to think about during this time is the way you and your child are together – we often hear the word ‘attachment’ used to describe our relationship with our child.  This term comes from a man called John Bowlby who first talked about attachment and what it means.  There is lots and lots of information around to learn about attachment but, in short, attachment is a basic human need.  Attachment is the foundation for our safety, security, protection and certainty.

During this stressful time, it is important that we feel attached to our children and they feel attached to us so all these activities will help – even when it feels like they aren’t!  If one day feels tough and it just isn’t ‘happening’ put it away and come back to it later or the next day.  They are always in your ‘toolbox’.

As adults we also need to feel attached to others as well as our child.  If we have healthy relationships with our peers, we feel ‘nourished’ and this helps our relationship with our children so make sure you call a friend or a family member or a neighbour to have a chat and ‘check-in’.  We are social creatures and we need to attach!  We just have to find ways around it right now!

Try to have a routine as best you can – perhaps one thing is a focus for the day, whether it’s making a worry jar, or doing the fight/flight exercise or creating the safe space – having a focus will give you a sense of achievement even when the day feels horribly long and you want to stay under that duvet!

So, today’s ‘to do’s’….

• Create a worry jar
• Call a friend
• Do one thing at a time!

See you tomorrow!

Good morning to you all, my name is Nikki, I manage the Domestic Abuse Practitioner Outreach Team and I’m taking over from Joss who has been talking to you about supporting children and young people.  

So, first things first, a bit about us!

Our team is made up of 11 strong, lively, feisty, funny, dedicated, tenacious and knowledgeable warriors who each and every day fight the good fight alongside our clients who are spread across North and Mid Essex.  During these very surreal times we have been offering support and reassurance over the phone, email and web chat to our clients who, in most cases, are living in incredibly difficult circumstances with abusers who they are not able to escape from.  As a team we really aware that some of our clients, prior to lockdown, may have been on the brink of leaving… and now all plans have been thwarted and all the courage they had worked so hard to conjure up (with the support and dedication of their DAP) may have gone and they have been left deflated and defeated.

Unless you have experienced living with a perpetrator it’s probably difficult imagine trying to deal with these very powerful emotions and the impact this is having on their mental wellbeing, we know from experience that these brave survivors may well be starting to sense that a sinister undercurrent is brewing in their home.  This unease could (and in all likelihood will) suddenly and for no good reason shift and they will find themselves and their children dealing with an incident that puts their safety in jeopardy.  The shift could take many forms - it could be a physical assault, it could be an emotional or verbal tirade, it could be a sexual incident.

We know that some of you might be reading this and be in exactly this position right now… or you might be reading this and thinking that you know someone who is experiencing this and wondering what you can do, or even say to them to help.

Anyone reading this who has experienced, or is in the midst of an abusive relationship will be only too aware of this cycle and they know that this is how it goes.   We have heard from our clients that they are seeing these outbursts getting more intense during lockdown because the controller they are living with is not able to leave the house, the controller themselves are being controlled by an unseen virus and they do not like to be told what to do by anyone or anything…

We know from speaking to our clients, that the lockdown has meant that some perpetrators may not be able to feed their addictions, or they may be over feeding their addictions due to boredom or frustration and this in turn will be affecting their mental health.  There is so much research about the dangerous cocktail of this ‘toxic trio’ (the combination of domestic abuse, substance misuse and mental health issues) as it leads to emotions being intensified which in turn drives behaviours.  Most people will recognise that other stresses may also be affecting the situation for the family, things such as lack of work and therefore money, lack of space and time alone.

For our survivors, a term we often use to recognise the huge achievement in surviving after or during unspeakable trauma, they are having to manage the risks they are living with more effectively than ever before.  As practitioners, we are scared for the safety of our survivors as we know that their access to help and support has shrunk, these lifelines they rely on to cope are not as easily available and they are having to self-manage.  Imagine life where you are desperately trying to maintain the status quo, to be constantly walking on eggshells and working so very hard every minute of every day trying not to ‘poke the bear’.  You don’t need to have personally experienced this to imagine just how incredibly draining this must be and how severely this can impact their mental health in the long term.

So, what if this is you, or someone you know…?

Unfortunately, we don’t have a magic cure or an instant fix that we can share, but there are some practical things that are sensible precautions if you are currently trapped in a home that isn’t safe.

We know that if you are a survivor, most likely you will know all these things already and be doing them, but it’s always good to have a quick mental checklist to make sure that in your desperation to keep everything on an even keel, you haven’t missed something vital…  or if you are concerned about someone you know, who doesn’t have the opportunity to escape (and it’s safe to be able to share some advice, that comes without any judgement) then these are really good things to be aware of:

• Know where in your home is a ‘safe sanctuary’ where you could bundle yourself and your children should things turn quickly. This safe space will ideally be lockable and if it offers a form of escape such as a window, all the better.
• Keep your phone with you at all times and make sure it’s charged and ready to call 999.
• We know of one of our survivors, who literally survived as a result of a code word that they had arranged with a friend or family member who knew that when that word was said or sent in a text they needed help.
• Have the Hollie Guard app (https://hollieguard.com/) on your phone so that you can access help quickly with a shake of the phone.
• If you have the opportunity, pack a secret bag with clothes, medication, documents such as passports and birth certificates – ready to go if necessary.

Another great app to have access to if you are in this situation is Bright Sky https://www.hestia.org/brightsky which allows you to access local support across the UK.  It also allows survivors to complete their own DASH risk assessment and log all incidents (emotional as well as physical) which helps when reporting to Police.

As Joss covered in her blogs previously, it’s a really good idea to teach your children how to call 999 and maybe even how to access the 55 service. (https://fullfact.org/crime/dial-999-silent-call-hang-up/)  It’s also good if you are able to make an arrangement with your children so that they know a place to meet if you need to flee and they get separated.  Joss’ earlier blog here gives some other advice on helping children living in a house with an abusive parent.

And last, but of course, no means least, contact us – remember that warrior team I told you about at the beginning of this blog, well we are all here and waiting to take your call for help or support.  You might find that small window of opportunity when you are out at the shop (luckily shops only allow one person from a household in at the moment), or perhaps during a walk to the park (while the kids are kicking a ball maybe…)  to be able to reach out to us.

Our most important message that we are sharing is that we know that none of this is a survivor’s fault.  We are continuing to give that reassurance and we’re really clear that however hard the lockdown may feel,  COVID-19 does not excuse the behaviour of their abuser.

So, if you get the opportunity, know that we’re here to help pick you up and dust you off and let you know that there is always a way out, we will always be there to help and you are worthy of so much more than this.

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Are you are having one of those grey days where you just want to hide from the world?  The walls are caving in and it’s all getting a bit too much.  This is for you  xo

‘I want to feel normal’ you say... What’s normal?  We all have our own little world that is normal to us - be that good or bad.  The Covid war has gone on for longer than any of us expected...  I met the lock down with a smile and a feeling of “it’s only for a while” but that 'while' turned into weeks and when I found myself in isolation for 14 days, alone - well - not much to smile about after all.

I found myself binge watching Netflix and very quickly I became aware of how alone I felt.  At times it was okay but I felt a real hollow in my heart, it was not a nice feeling and reminded me of a former life where mental health dominated who I was.  I recognised in myself those little warning signs and I took care of myself with simple tasks that lifted my spirits.  I talked to friends, listened to music and went for walks, I like art so I did some drawing.  It made such a difference to how I feel in myself and I would encourage you to care for yourself during this period where so many are feeling socially isolated and a sense of loneliness.

You may have been experiencing some difficult issues and perhaps this has affected your mental health in some way?  You’ve maybe tried to be strong and soldier on through your feelings or perhaps you feel that everything is crumbling around you and no matter what you say or do you feel lost?

Mental Health can affect every part of our lives. It can come in small gentle waves breaking against the shore or it’s a tidal wave crashing into the rocks.  We know that it can strike down out of nowhere and there are many causes such as emotional or physical trauma that we have suffered, a bereavement, health issues, relationships, employment and financial …the list is long.  Every individuals journey is different and everybody copes differently with mental health.

If you are aware of mental health then you have a head start in understanding what you are experiencing.  If you have no idea what on earth is happening to you, it can be terrifying and embarrassing.  Depression is when someone feels sad all of the time and no longer have interest of pleasure in things that used to feel rewarding or interesting, even the happiest people can become depressed. Anxiety is feeling of unease, like a worry or fear and can happen in even in the calmest of places.   Everyone feels anxious from time to time and it usually passes once the situation is over.  When anxiety becomes a problem, our worries can be out of proportion with relatively harmless situations. It can feel more intense or overwhelming, and interfere with our everyday lives and relationships.  An anxiety attack can happen in the most unexpected time or place and the bravest people can suffer from anxiety.

What is Mental Health?

Mental Health includes our emotional, psychological and social well-being.  It affects how we think and feel.  Our mental health determines our relationships with other people, how we handle stress and deal with daily life, and can impact on the choices we make.  The state of our mental health is very important throughout the stages of our life from during childhood into adolescents and all through our adulthood.

Good mental health is to experience both positive and negative emotions.  It is normal to feel happy, positive and confident and it is also perfectly normal to feel down, feel stress and anger, it is not always about being happy.  Every day we feel a range of emotions and display different moods based on what’s happening around us.

It's perfectly normal to have good days and bad days - but understanding when you are starting to struggle to cope with how you are feeling is important.  Here are some links to other organisations and websites that can give you some more information and help you understand some of the feelings you might be experiencing.

https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/anxiety

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/about-depression/

What you are feeling can range from constant low moods, lack of interest and worrying about everything through to feeling worthless, feeling lost or numb and having thoughts of self-harm or suicide.  

If you feel suicidal or are having thoughts of self-harm, then please do contact your GP, 111 or 999 immediately.

In this moment of personal crisis when you know what you feel is not normal it is important to respond to what your mind and body is telling you, pay attention to what is happening inside of you.  You might be feeling frustrated and a sense of hopelessness, I understand it can become so overwhelming in itself that it is hard to reach out for help when you might not completely understand or be aware what is happening to you.

Trying to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs is a short-term problem that will only escalate everything that is happening to you into an even bigger problem further down the line. If you have friends or family, someone that you can confide in please talk to them, it will take so much of the burden away from you. It will be tremendous help for you to have someone you can talk to and get you through this tough time. There are so many services and options available you do not have to suffer alone. There are befriending services if you have no one you can turn to and if you are a parent there is organisations that can support you as you struggle to parent your children with mental health.  Some of our previous blogs might also help, particularly this one about looking after yourself as a parent.  

My name is Claire, I am a domestic abuse practitioner and my role is to support victims of abuse. People share with me how difficult it is to get through each day.  We talk about what is happening and as well as talking I listen because to listen is to understand.  I always say to people “we will do this together, one step at a time”.  Mental health is a step by step recovery process.  If you are reading this and you have mental health issues you are so brave because you have recognised you need support.  To learn what is happening to you gives you the power to help you get better.  Hopefully in your journey you will come to understand you body and mind better than before.  Self-care is a huge part of preventing, recognising and treating mental health.  Below is a list of self-care tips for you, they may seem simple but these basic things are crucial for a happier, healthier you.

Self-Care:

• Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally and physically.
• Make sure you are eating healthily, have a good fluid intake and are getting enough sleep
• Where you can have plenty of rest and relaxation, do things that help you to reduce your stress. Limit online activity which can reduce the negative messages that are on a loop.
• Try to maintain your daily routine, it helps to keep you busy.
• Use coping strategies to care of yourself, these are things that make you feel better and take you out of the negative place. For example, speaking to a friend or family member, going for a walk because fresh air and exercise is really good to clear your head. Listen to music, use art or craft or read a book. What ever interests you and lifts you up out of that grey place is your coping strategy.
• I often encourage people to keep a journal of what they are going through, some people find it really cathartic to write down their feelings and they are often surprised how much they open up to themselves.
• Set tasks for yourself each day, so you have something to complete. They say to make your bed every morning when you get up to prevent the temptation to craw back under the duvet.
• Instead of the TV listen to music.
• Get crafting, this is a favourite of mine and especially if you have children this is a fun activity you can do together.
• Face time & phone. It is always good to catch up with friends and loved ones. Surprising how much a laugh and a chat can pick you up.

Darina will be with you on Friday to talk to you about picking yourself up after an abusive relationship, steps you can take to "put yourself back together" and protecting yourself in your next relationship.  Until then I wish you well.

A resource for alcohol rehab and treatment during the COVID-19 pandemic

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Hello everyone and welcome to my blog, my name is Shelly and I too am proud to work as a Domestic Abuse Practitioner within Next Chapter. This blog is focused on the pain that’s left behind after escaping from an abusive relationship, we already know that domestic abuse comes in many forms and cannot always be seen by the naked eye. But what we may not yet know is how to cope with these thoughts and feelings that are often left hanging around for what can sometimes feel like forever.

Here at Next Chapter we are here for you no matter what stage of your journey, be it in the midst of the storm or the aftermath. We will continue to support and guide you even if you are still entwined deeply within this storm and do not even know if you can ever get out.

We are here to listen, offer a safe haven, guide you to other support networks and do whatever we can to help you find happiness and safety again. You are worth it after all.

“But what if this pain never goes away?” I hear you say...

Many women and men reach out for support many weeks/months or even years after the abuse has stopped. They still need our support as although it has stopped raining the clouds are still there and the dark shadows remain within their own minds. We offer that experienced listening ear to help you learn to live with those scars and shadows that have been left behind.

These feelings can be confusing, over whelming even, especially if you are now free and away from that relationship.

“This is what you wanted“ I hear you telling yourself. “It’s all over now so why can’t I be happy?” “I still love him…..how can this be?”

These are all perfectly natural feelings and reactions to loss and grief and some may even compare it to a bereavement.  Even if you don’t feel that way at all you may have been left feeling empty and confused or angry. We might constantly be bargaining with ourselves still or find that depression has taken over. We all deal with loss in our own individual ways and this is what makes each of us so unique. This is perfectly normal too. You are not going crazy I promise!

When unpicking my own losses in life I was advised by my counsellor at the time to make a timeline on a piece of paper. Simply draw a line across a sheet of A4 and start from birth to current day. Jot down each experience of loss in a timeline fashion.

I was astonished… I had lost a lot in my short life – 36 years if you have to know!! Jobs, relationships, relatives, friends and at one point at around the age of 25 I had noted that I had lost myself! I’m sure that most survivors of domestic abuse can understand that feeling too. A loss can be so huge that we literally have to learn to live again.

This simple tool had helped me to understand that as painful as each loss was for me I had continued to ‘survive’. Each loss had brought me its own level of pain but with that came a unique level of life experience and empathy for others going through any form of loss or grief. This helps me today in my work with clients, maybe it is something you could use too? Volunteering is a fantastic place to start.

Take a look at this BBC video on coping with a bereavement. If you swap the word bereavement for loss I feel it applies to both…

https://twitter.com/bbciplayer/status/987990393437540352?lang=en

I suppose the main thing I wanted to get across to you truly amazing people is that with every painful experience in life some positives can be found.  Each experience can be managed and faced with the support of family, friends or your Domestic Abuse Practitioner.

Explore it, talk about it, try and learn from it if you can but most of all please do forgive yourself for any confusing thoughts that may pop into your mind even years after the event. This is just your brains way of learning to recover and live again and if you give it half a chance you’ll be surprised at what it can do.

Thanks for reading!

Shelly x